Fredericton — New Brunswick Premier and self-proclaimed Star Trek fanatic Brian Gallant spoke with The Manatee yesterday about the “genius” idea he developed shortly after hosting a viewing party for the Sunday night premiere of CBS’s reboot series Star Trek: Discovery.
“Well, the premise of Star Trek, for those who’ve been living under a rock or in Moncton for the past 50 years, is that Earth has gotten to the point where there is nothing left to do. It’s perfect. So, they decide to explore the universe and solve other people’s problems.”
He continued, stunned at the brilliance of his own ideas. “So, I got to thinking, that’s kind of like New Brunswick! We’ve solved all our problems, so it’s about time we go spread our message of higher taxes and minimal investment in growth to other provinces.”
With such a quick turnaround, resources were limited, but the premier and his cabinet were able to convert a 2004 Toyota Sienna into something approximating a quote-unquote starship, by pasting huge cardboard cylinders to either side, and packing it to the brim with useless sci-fi gadgetry.
“We’ve got everything we need here. Look at all these flashing buttons and shit. It’s incredible.”
As Gallant points out, not only has the Liberal government taken great pains to ape the look of a traditional starship, but they’ve also committed to embodying the stated values of the galactic federation. “Naturally, we make every effort maintain Gene Roddenberry’s vision of a racially diverse utopian future.”
On cue, Denis Landry, wearing full black-face, gave a wink and a thumbs up.
“This mission will have everything,” said Gallant, excitedly. “Adventure, exploration, possibly some romance…”
He sheepishly eyed Cathy Rogers, who raised a suspicious eyebrow.
“That’s a ‘maybe’ on the the romance,” he continued. “Still though, it’s going to be a blast.”
The cabinet members took their respective positions and the voyage began. “Captain’s log,” Gallant said into his iPhone as they entered Prince Edward Island, “Stardate…uh…September 27th…”
But before he could continue, sirens blared behind them. Clearly, the flimsy starship was not up to the province’s road conditions. “Hostiles!” cried Gallant. “Prepare defensive measures!”
Beside him, Stephen Horsman opened a tall briefcase and removed a Remington 597 rimfire semi-automatic rifle.
“Wait. That thing’s set to stun, right?”
Horsman’s eyes shifted quickly from left to right. “Uh…yeah.”
“Then by all means, Number One. Fire!”