Brunswick News steals from greedy paper carriers, gives to deserving execs

Saint John — Brunswick News Inc., in a Robin Hood-like move announced Tuesday, has decided to finally start trimming the fat in the province’s dwindling publishing industry by taking money from the wealthy kids who’ve been running the show for decades and putting it back in the deserving pockets of the company’s higher-ups.

Support for the initiative is nearly unanimous in New Brunswick, with only the selfish little paper carriers protesting. The Irvings, however, are not about to be bullied by the money-grubbing guild of 11- to 15-year-olds.

“These kids have no expenses whatsoever, so why shouldn’t they be the first to feel the pain of the struggling economy?” queried Jamie Irving to an uproar of applause by a group of executives gathered at Brunswick Square in Saint John’s Uptown. “They get an allowance anyway, and their parents pay for their food and rent — meanwhile, I have to put gas in my own car and pay for my own brunches and haircuts. Does that seem fair to you?”

Those New Brunswick youths who deliver the newspapers day in and day out will see a drop of about $7 monthly, an amount that will not affect them in the least. Peter Garrett, 14, however, is unhappy about the news and plans to write a letter to the editor about it. “What sucks for me though,” he said, ” is that I’ll be the one delivering my own letter to everyone on my route — but for way less money.”

Brunswick News’s flawless logic behind the pay cut was backed by several self-evident claims. In a press release, the floundering company listed the following reasons for cutting the paper carriers’ salaries:

• Half the time, the kids’ parents end up delivering the newspapers on their way to work, so pay is already not being distributed evenly;
• Paper carriers get tips at Christmas — cutting their regular pay will teach them to save and invest that extra cash, and that skill will carry forward into their adult lives;
• New Brunswick’s young people need to learn the value of volunteerism, and with their new salary, this is practically a volunteer position;
• With the growing obesity problem, walking and biking to deliver the papers is part of a greater solution, regardless of the salary; and
• Adolescents are proven to be selfish, greedy little bastards who should learn to respect their elders.

The cost-reducing plan, hailed as “victimless” and “foolproof” by the province’s adults, will see money taken from the kids — who would just waste it on comics and candy anyway — and given to those who work so hard to produce the top-quality publications New Brunswick is known for.