Atlantic Canada — After the Canadian Union of Postal Workers rejected Canada Post’s latest offer in ongoing labour negotiations, Canada Post is asking citizens to stop ordering useless junk online from halfway around the world, and to just hit up the mall where they can buy the exact same useless junk in person.
“Please. Our employees are overworked because you won’t stop buying garbage online that you can easily pick up at the mall,” said Canada Post representative Mark Haliburton. “There are simply too many parcels to deliver, and as a result we can’t get our striking workers to agree to any of our offers. Wouldn’t you rather buy that soapy-chocolate Advent calendar from Walmart rather than waiting five weeks for it to arrive from an Indonesian sweatshop or wherever it’s thrown together?”
Prince Edward Island mother Kelly Jacobs said she already ordered all her Christmas presents from Amazon, and most of it is en route from China as we speak.
“I’m getting nervous about it actually,” she said, checking her tracking numbers. “I’ve got a pair of Nike’s for my son that have been held up in Russia for a month for some reason, a knockoff Louis Vuitton bag for my sister that’s been stranded in Arizona for weeks, and a watch for my husband that’s apparently in Quebec. It’s all from China originally.
“I’m going to be so pissed if I have to go over to a real store and buy it all,” she sighed, looking out her window at the mall, which is directly across the street. “Yeah, it’s right there, but I just find it so exciting getting mail, y’know?”
Canada Post, meanwhile, wonders whatever happened to wasting your paycheque at the mall the day before Christmas.
“You can get cheap clothes made by children in the Philippines at the mall, last I checked — you don’t need to order that trash over the internet,” said an exasperated Haliburton. “You can buy shoddy jewelry that’ll fall apart in a month and turn your skin green, you can get a replacement phone charger and an iPad from a real person making minimum wage at the store.
“Look, we know you’re not going to support local artisans for Christmas presents — so we’re not kidding ourselves by suggesting you shop at the farmers’ market. But please go to the mall, brave the crowds, buy your pointless crap, and let us finally make a dent in this backlog of parcels.”