New Brunswick — The legalization of marijuana within Canada was intended as a ploy to garner more votes. However, it turns out the only thing Canadians like more than hockey and pretending not to be racist is smoking enough weed to make Snoop Dogg want to book another trip to Nova Scotia.
Because so many people want to buy weed, provincial governments have been left scrambling to meet the needs of their population. With this in mind, Cannabis NB has reached out to former and practising cannabis suppliers, or as they have been referred to for many years: “That one sketchy guy.”
“We’re pleased to report that by tomorrow, our supply problems will be resolved,” said Cannabis NB spokesperson Margaret Bourque. “We have struck deals with a number of local ‘vendors’ who will share their supply in exchange for a cut of our profits. But be warned: customers will have to put up with some really poor-quality, inconsistent weed until we’re restocked from our own suppliers.”
The Manatee was fortunate enough to speak with a few of the selected suppliers, who in addition to providing cannabis for the Crown corporation, all had lots of unasked-for advice when it comes to selling dope.
“Where are all the reptiles?” asked Charlotte Street-based SoundCloud rapper “Nor’ Thumberland,” upon glancing around the Hanwell Cannabis NB location. “How do you expect to sell any product if, A) you don’t sample it with the client, and B) you don’t have any cool pets to distract them from your lack of personality and character?
“People aren’t just there for the weed man, they want an experience!”
When asked how to forecast sales-and-supply needs, Nor’Thumberland simply responded, “Selling weed is not the weather.” No further explanation was given.
Although the government has stated at length that people would simply have to go to the store location to purchase product, Shevron Books, another former supplier, insisted that no one would know they’re selling weed if they weren’t living rent-free in their girlfriend’s house and getting mad at her for trying to set boundaries.
“If you don’t get your mom to buy you Jordans and Crooks & Castles hoodies,” Brooks added, “you might as well throw in the towel now.”