Confused New Brunswickers mistake victims of crime with criminals

Confused New Brunswickers mistake victims of crime with criminals

Sussex — In a colossal misunderstanding, some residents of New Brunswick have mistaken the victims of the ongoing civilian conflict in Sussex with the actual criminals who destroyed much of the town. Now, as the province tries to help the Sussex residents displaced by the conflict, the confusion is causing concern among those who believe the refugees are the same as the people who devastated the Dairy Town.

The massive mix-up is related to the situation that caused so many Sussex residents to be displaced in the first place. In the summer of 2015, an enormous group of arsonists invaded Sussex in a bid to take over the municipality. They started a series of fires that burned down a large number of homes and businesses in the town, and the resulting conflict also destroyed much of its infrastructure.

As the emergency personnel dealt with the fires and the RCMP waged a “civilian war” to stop the arsonists, several hundred residents fled the town. Most Sussex residents left due to having lost their home, their livelihood or over safety concerns about being caught in the proverbial crossfire.

As the provincial government tries to settle the refugees in Saint John, Moncton, Fredericton as well as other towns and villages, some New Brunswickers have voiced concerns about letting the displaced migrants into their municipalities. The citizens are saying that if they let in the victims of the conflict, they will likely let in the people who caused it as well.

“You know, if we let in those people from Sussex, we’ll probably be letting in a bunch of arsonists too,” said Hampton resident Romeo Meprise. “We know they aren’t all arsonists, but there’s probably some arsonists that will come in with them, and we can’t take that chance! I know they only have a backpack and a smartphone in a lot of cases, and half of them are children, but we just can’t risk it no matter how closely we screen everyone!”

“I know it’s not politically correct to say this,” said Moncton resident Deborah Cretin, “but a lot of those people from Sussex are… you know… farmers. And if they aren’t farmers you just know that they support the farming lifestyle and hold agricultural beliefs. And, we have heard in the media that some farmers are also arsonists. They just don’t fit in here with us, they don’t share the same urban values.” When asked what being a farmer had to do with being a refugee from a conflict, Cretin maintained that there was a link between being a farmer and being an arsonist, although she could not articulate what that connection was.

When asked for comment, Sussex refugee Chelsea Armstrong was incredulous. “We aren’t the arsonists! We are trying to get away from the arsonists! I’ve been sleeping on the ground with my 3 kids in a tent in Norton for months now. My children haven’t been to school at all this year. They are hungry and one is sick. Who seriously thinks this is part of some genius master plan? If it was, it’s the crappiest effin’ plan I’ve ever heard of.”

  1. Thank you for getting it right!!!

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  2. Brilliant

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  3. Well done!!

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  4. I’m not sure which of the brilliant writers at the Manatee is responsible for this piece, but I’m sending them resoundingly mad props! Fantastic! Nice play with Deborah Cretin!

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  5. Patrick McDermott November 17, 2015, 11:04 pm

    Great writing. Love the use of humour to give light to serious matters and what is often taken too seriously. If more people could be so enlightened.

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  6. The Manatee is on point yet again.

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  7. This needs to be shared. Excellent!

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  8. Sounds like people in nb have middle ages mentality!!unbelievable! And i suppose they cons8der themselves Christians, too!

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    • Janet, The article is a satirical comparison between the coming of refugees to our communities and a fictional situation in Sussex, and the reactions it provokes. The only Truth in this is that we might just be fearful for no good reason! I suggest you read it again!

      I thought it was an excellent piece of writing.

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  9. Well done!!

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  10. Not under the influence December 3, 2015, 11:29 am

    Nicely done satire…But this undermines what is an a serious issue. What many people outside the region don’t know is that the people of Sussex are Suxonites.

    The Suxonites are a religious sect that believe salvation can only be achieved through periodic cleansing of the land by raging fire. Though the Sussex residents attend Suxonite services every Sunday, members of the sect are adamant that only a small percentage of Suxonites actually adhere to the teachings of the Buran (the Suxonite prophet).

    Meanwhile, Suxonite supporters are taking to social media in mass. Supporters are becoming increasingly annoyed with the rising number of calls for the government to provide more detail surrounding their relocation plan. One supporter was quoted as saying “anyone calling for such debate is just an old assed ignorant racist zenophonic neo-con idiot grandpa who’s too stupid to realize they are falsely generalizing entire population of individuals”.

    A crowd of protesters has begun gathering in Moncton. While participating in a drum circle for peace early yesterday morning, the Mayor of Moncton demanded that the federal government provide $2 billion in essential funding to help relocate the 25,000 displace Sussex residents to the city of Moncton. The Mayor plans to use this funding to provide the Suxonites with the standard of living that they have been demanding. Furthermore, he is calling on city residents to gather and help build Charsites (the Suxonite place of worship, where every Sunday they burn furniture and other household items to demonstrate their devotion to Buran).

    Meanwhile, in a refugee site in Norton, the UN has been trying to find Suxonites willing to relocate to Moncton. So far, Bill and Judy have agreed to come stay with their cousin Nancy in Dieppe. Officials attributed this lack of interest to the rumors circulating that Fredericton is planning to one-up Moncton by including a new Dodge Ram 1500 extended cab with free gas for a year. The consensus among politician analysts is that the Fredericton Mayor likely begin his speech with “Fredericton is back!”.

    🙂

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