Due to obesity, New Brunswickers least likely to be affected by hurricane

Atlantic Canada — While the rest of the Maritime provinces are battening down the hatches in preparation for Hurricane Dorian, New Brunswickers are sitting strong and feeling thankful for all those extra helpings of poutine they had this summer.

Environment Canada is reporting that the storm will hit the province Saturday afternoon with winds reaching upwards of 130 km/h in some areas — but added that those winds won’t be strong enough to impact most in the Picture Province.

“The rest of Atlantic Canada should be on high alert,” explained meteorologist Farrah Glowberry. “Not only are they going to be the hardest hit by the storm, their average weights leave them much more susceptible to being carried off by the strong winds. We expect that most New Brunswickers will be able to weather the storm rather easily due to their mass — they’re pretty much built to withstand high winds, really.”

The Manatee spoke with several New Brunswick residents — none of whom seemed worried about the storm — about their preparedness heading into the weekend.

“You think a strong wind is going to do anything to me?” asked a heavyset London Kerry of Saint John. “This is what I’ve been training for all of my life. The heavy creams, the donuts, the cheeses, the fries and hamburgers have all led me to this moment right here, right now. All those skinny folks in Nova Scotia are probably worried as hell, but I’ll be safely planted in my house all weekend without a care in the world.

“This is the most thankful I’ve ever been that I never started smoking meth.”

Our reporter caught up with Melissa Newton of Fredericton, who was shopping at Sobeys in preparation for the storm.

“I already got a whole bunch of booze and smokes!” she shouted, throwing Doritos into her shopping cart. “Once I pay for these chips, I’ll be set for a good week or so, easy. Storm or no storm, I’m getting drunk.”

Most of the people we interviewed said the storm won’t hamper their plans in the least.

“There was no part of me that wanted to leave the house anyway,” proclaimed hefty Hub City local Rodney Harrison. “I mean, I live In Moncton — what’s there to go outside for?”