Saint John — Many locals were upset last week to learn that Harbour Station, a fixture in Saint John since 1993, will be changing its name to TD Station, after the bank purchased the naming rights earlier this month.
Some were concerned that there might be other alterations to the beloved stadium to go along with the name change. Turns out, they were right!
This morning, TD announced a number of new “features” they will be bringing to the station this fall:
—A $2.50 “withdraw free” will be added to all ticket prices.
—It will now be easier to pay your bookie via e-transfer over the TD EasyWeb app. He’ll still probably use your kneecaps as collateral, however.
—Sea Dogs mascot Fleaburn will be retired in favour of Malcolm the Chartered Accountant, who won’t be leading fans in the Wave, but rather will call on fans to invest in professionally managed mutual funds.
—TD Station will no longer be host to Tim Hortons. Instead, a broken Keurig full of stagnant water will be placed at the far side of the stadium. K-cups can be purchased for $1. (Pro tip: if there’s a used one already in there, consider it a free light-brew!)
—If you forget where your seat is, attendants will ask you what your last purchase was, your mother’s maiden name and the make of your first car before directing you to your place.
—The Saint John Riptide basketball team will be dissolved, and players will be transferred to other departments within the bank. In all likelihood, it will be the first time anybody within the franchise will actually see money.
—Patrons will be given their bank statement before entering, which is is expected to severely lessen the profits of the annual boat show.
—Like the televisions at TD banking locations, the Jumbotron screen will be permanently set to reruns of Corner Gas on mute with incorrect captions.
—As the name suggests, the stadium will now be Toronto-Dominion. This means that while it will continue to be located in New Brunswick, it will technically belong to the Ontario capital.**
**This, of course, would make the Sea Dogs Toronto’s best hockey team.