Fredericton — The Higgs government announced yesterday that it has abandoned a “one size fits all” approach to French immersion education in New Brunswick.
On Thursday, the provincial government said that once again it will begin mucking around with the French immersion entry point for elementary school students. However, it says it will now take an approach that will end the debate about the right time to start French immersion once and for all.
“If you believe that change is a good thing, we know you’ll think this approach is effing amazing,” said Education Minister Dominic Cardy. “Nobody is ever going to agree on the right time to start French immersion — no matter how bad our literacy rates and test scores are.
“So, get this — we are now saying that every single child will have their own randomized start date for French immersion,” he said, then jumped up with jazz hands flailing. “BOOM! How do you like me now!?”
The new approach titled “Suddenly French,” takes a highly individualized approach to introducing French immersion to each child. “OK, it begins with the principal dressing in a monk’s robe and lighting a candle,” Cardy explained. “Then, they proceed to a random classroom in the elementary school chanting an ancient hymn.
“When they get to the classroom, the principal opens the door and says, ‘It’s time,’ and blows out the candle. The teacher stops whatever they’re doing and bows deeply, then the principal leaves. The teacher then puts all of the kids’ names who haven’t started French immersion into some sort of fancy hat and picks a random name.
“Here’s the best part,” Cardy gushed. “The teacher then walks around the classroom and when they get to the child whose name they drew, they bop them on the head ‘Duck-Duck-Goose’-style yelling, ‘Pamplemousse!’ and give them a little Acadian flag. From that point forward, that child will only be instructed in French.”
When asked how this approach is any better that what the government has done over past 10 years, Cardy shrugged. “I dunno really, it can’t be much worse can it?”