Ottawa — Shockwaves are spreading across Canada as the true motivation behind Donald Trump’s meticulous attempted economic takeover was revealed Thursday morning.
During an unprompted monologue, the American president ranted that the northern nation’s boundless mountain ranges were the real reason behind his desire to adopt Canada as the 51st state, and continued by explaining that he would stop at nothing until he had unrestricted access to every mountain on the continent — in order to find one that looks like him.
The interviewer, who was at the time strapped to a table with a laser beam slowly approaching his head, took the opportunity to wriggle free from his restraints and make his escape. Before he fled, however, the rest of Darth Trump’s plan was revealed.
“No one knows more about mountains than me,” Trump stated confidently, “And there aren’t any in the States that fit the bill.”
The POTUS explained that his reconnaissance team had just returned from Nevada, where the rocks have a naturally orange hue, before confessing how jealous Mount Rushmore made him. He then vowed that by the end of his term (which he called indefinite) that he would discover a mountain somewhere that bears his own likeness.
“[Mount Rushmore] is a terrific mountain, beautiful mountain. When I first saw it, I said, ‘Wow, what a mountain!’ Only problem is, it doesn’t have my face on it.” Trump afterwards doubled down on his belief that Mount Rushmore was a natural formation by stating that: “Nobody knows more about geolography than me, maybe in the whole world. There’s a mountain out there with my face on it, I just need to find it.”
Vice President JD Vance refused to comment, citing that the reporters did not say “please” or “thank you.”