Dartmouth — Twenty-three-year-old Dartmouth woman Sarah Kilbride says the vague concept of “the universe” is to credit for most aspects of her life, including her minor successes and her frequent failures.
“I’m going to get a little metaphysical here, so try to follow my thinking,” she said condescendingly. “I just feel like the universe has a plan for us all, so like when I got into art school, that was totally the universe saying ‘you go girl, you got this,’ you know? But like, sometimes things don’t go the way I plan and I just have to expand my mind and realize that the universe is trying to test me to make me stronger. And I am so much stronger because of that, right?”
Kilbride admitted that she has not always been so enlightened.
“I started practising mindfulness a couple of years ago,” she went on. “Basically that means you clear your mind, focus on the present rather than dwelling on the past or being anxious about the future, and be grateful for all the universe has done for you and the experiences it has opened you to. I do this by listening to some zen music and cooking something vegan that honours the Earth. I mean the universe.”
“Oh god, what does that garbage even mean?” said Kilbride’s older sister Martina. “Yesterday she told me that she is ‘out of alignment’ when Mars is orbiting too closely, and suddenly she’s into ‘healing rocks’ and ‘well-being jewels.’ I think if you’re a bitch you can’t blame Mars or any other celestial body, and certainly not ‘the universe.’ I told her that, and she said that she doesn’t expect me to understand, as I am trapped in my negative emotional mindframe or some shit.”
The younger Kilbride said she often posts encouraging words on social media for like-minded students of the universe’s teachings.
“A note to everyone: when you give up searching, you will truly find your inner spirit and you’ll be able to hear your one harmonious, universal voice,” went one insufferable Facebook status. “I have been able to free myself of the world, and focus only on the universe, thanks to the universe’s guidance. I pray you all experience the same.” The post received 45 likes, and several comments in the line of “Needed this today” and “You rock, Sarah!”
“That only validates her nonsense,” said Martina. “All her dumb friends backing her up. I blocked her.”
The Manatee took to the streets of Dartmouth to interview others about what the universe has or hasn’t done for them.
“The universe doesn’t care about you, or me, and thinking it does is a symptom of a coddling, narcissistic culture,” said Ryan MacDonald, 25. “All this fake spiritualism is for rich white girls who need to feel important.”
At press time, Kilbride was on her way to yoga class wearing her best Lululemon pants and taking a selfie for Instagram, with the caption: “Looin’ hot today — thanks universe!”