Charlottetown — After accomplishing many daring diamond robberies across Canada, the Fashion Police are asking Maritimers to be on the lookout for two shabbily dressed posers who wouldn’t know haute couture from a hot mess.
“A lime-green shirt in autumn? Really now,” huffed an indignant Tim Gunn. “If that’s a fall colour then I’m Kim Kardashian! Who is he wearing anyways? My goodness, I need an eye-wash station stat!”
Last week, Charlottetown Police identified two suspects who are sought in the Oct. 12 theft of two diamonds worth $20,000 from a local jewelry store. The same couple is sought in a similar Oct. 7 theft of a $10,000 diamond in Saint John. Afterward, Saint John Police heard of similar crimes in Vancouver, Ontario and Montreal.
While local police forces are cooperating with their peers across the country to track the daring duo, the E! channel’s Fashion Police have taken issue with their decidedly unfashionable attire.
“Check out that beard — ho ho no!” laughed comedienne Margaret Cho. “And what’s up with the leather ball cap? Is he some kind of Major League Baseball dominatrix?”
“I don’t get the hoodie and jean jacket. Is he shopping for loose diamonds at the local dump in the 1980s?” asked Brad Goreski. “We definitely aren’t dealing with Ocean’s Eleven types here… more like Bonnie and Clyde crossed with Al and Peg Bundy!”
“OK OK OK,” cut in Melissa Rivers. “What is she wearing in the picture on the left? Is she trying to fit in on the Island by wearing a tailored potato sack? Honey honey honey, take that outfit out back and bury it in the ground!”
Presently, the frumpy twosome is still on the lam, presumably hiding out at Value Village stores throughout eastern Canada.