Sussex — The Province of New Brunswick has long eyed the small community of Sussex as a possible location for hydraulic fracturing, despite protest from environmentalists and locals concerned about the safety of the process.
While it would stimulate the economy, going forward with fracking could compromise complex ecosystems and even put the town’s drinking water at risk. After placing the idea on the backburner for ages, New Brunswick now intends to start fracking immediately, to deter a couple of royal “undesirables.”
“We don’t want to have to foot the bill for the Duke and Duchess to live here, and frankly, we can’t afford the round-the-clock security. We’d go broke! I mean, broke…er. Fracking the place now will prevent them from even thinking about building a life here,” said New Brunswick Premier Blaine Higgs.
“Just think about it: supporting those unemployed bums would look bad on us as a province — that’s already what we’re known for across the country. Besides, I can’t imagine Meghan will want to live somewhere that impure water could ruin her perfect skin. And Harry’s all about environmentalism these days — no way he’ll stick around if we’re fracking the whole area. It’s just the quickest, easiest fix for an impending problem, and that’s the New Brunswick way.”
One of those most opposed to the fracking plan is the Sussex mayor himself.
“A big part of the appeal of Sussex is the natural, unspoiled landscape — you know, the rolling hills, pastoral farmlands, gorgeous untouched fields and streams,” said Mayor Marc Thorne. “That’s why I’m here, anyway. That and the donuts.
“So of course I don’t want this area to be ruined by fracking! I know I’m not alone in saying I love Harry and Meghan — I even have a commemorative plate at home with their faces on it! I wish the province would just ignore Sussex for once…Blaine Higgs especially is, like, totally obsessed with us. It’s creeping me out, to be honest.”
Local big-rig enthusiast Darryl Black says Sussex would do well to get on board with fracking.
“You know what I hate? Royals, paparazzi, and fancy-shmancy rich people pretending to care about issues that don’t affect them. And you know what I love? Fracking the living hell out of middle-of-nowhere New Brunswick!” he cried.
“And before you ask, yeah, I’m from here, and yeah Sussex is a great spot to live, but I’m 82 years young now — I ain’t gonna last forever — so what’s it to me if the so-called ‘environment’ takes a hit? As long as those damn royals don’t get to enjoy the view.”
At press time, Black was selling homemade “Frack off royals!” signs from a stand at the end of his driveway.