Higgs to New Brunswickers: You idiots have disappointed me again

Fredericton — Premier Blaine Higgs’s response to today’s announcement of increased coronavirus cases in New Brunswick was not unexpected.

Once again, the premier took to the lectern to chide New Brunswickers for whatever the blazes they are doing that is causing cases of the coronavirus in the province to increase.

“I’m not angry,” said the patriarch premier. “I’m just very disappointed in all of you. You let me down, you let my mom down, you let your neighbours down, my wife, your children, your pets, your country, your province and yourselves. You idiots who aren’t following the rules are all awful, awful people.

“I’m so frustrated with you all, I’m like a teapot about to boil over!” he said shaking with annoyance. “Honestly, I’m surprised some of you know which body orifices to breathe out of! I don’t know how much more I have to insult and chastise you until you start behaving, but I’ve got all day! Just try me you frickin’ slackers!

“Are these press conferences too long and complicated? Okay, let’s try this,” he said taking out a whiteboard marker and sketching. “Here’s you, outside of your house…NO! NO NO NO! Bad New Brunswicker!

“Down here, here are the good boys and girls inside their house. Look at them! GOOOOOOOD!” he said tapping on his sketch, looking around the room and making eye contact with the camera. “INSIDE GOOD! OUTSIDE BAD! Are we getting this now?

“Of course, this whole ‘stay at home’ thing does not apply to children and teachers attending schools and daycares, everyone still going to workplaces, as well as visiting take-outs, hospitals and all stores.

“See? I’m not sure what’s so hard to understand!” he scowled.