Saint John — In an attempt to quell rumours that glyphosate is dangerous, the woodlands division of JD Irving, Limited served a very merry drink at last week’s annual Christmas party: a yuletide punch whose main ingredient was the herbicide itself.
“It’s a totally natural product,” JDI spokesman Harold Salinger spouted to the press, “and it’s better for you than any soda we could have used in the punch. Let’s face it, they’re all loaded with refined sugars. The last thing we want is to make an employee sick.”
Critics claim this is just another ploy to deflect criticism over JDI’s suspected role in having Dr. Eilish Cleary fired, but Salinger disagrees. “We’d love to have her test the glyphosate and show the world just how safe it is, but she’s unemployed and apparently difficult to work with. Who’d believe her?”
While not every JDI employee was willing to be interviewed, several staff members were more than happy to talk to the press about their herbicide hangovers. Rodney Lister, a machine-operator from Riverview, said he drank several glasses of the punch with no side-effects whatsoever. “It had a real nice flavour to it. I musta guzzled a quart of the stuff and I feel great.”
When asked about the lesions on his lips, Lister claimed they were canker sores, which he usually gets every Christmas season due to stress. “This year they’re just a bit runny. I blame it on the damn organic food my wife’s got me eating.”
Dorothy Campbell, an analyst from the uptown area, agreed with Lister. “The punch was delicious. I’m hoping they give us the recipe in one of the company memos.” When inquired about her full beard and mustache, Campbell insisted it was just a side-effect of menopause. “Lots of women my age have facial hair. I just didn’t expect it to happen this fast.”
Campbell also claimed the JDI executives at the party didn’t partake in the the potent punch. “They wanted to be sure there was enough for the staff. They’re always generous like that. That’s why I’m with JDI!”