Fredericton — Sexual predator Lyle Chalmers, 54, of Fredericton, wants to clear the air and make it known that although he sexually harasses women of all ages as frequently as possible, he actually really likes and respects them, deep down.
“I’m a big softie. I love women. I love the way they look, I love the way they smell, I love the looks they give me when I touch them against their will, I love complimenting them endlessly until they block me on social media — I love everything about women!”
Chalmers explained further that, as a man who’s been married three times, he knows women better than they know themselves.
“I know my current wife pretty well. For instance, I know just what to say to her to nip any suspicions about me in the bud. I know not to let her have my phone password so she can’t find out that I’m messaging 20-year-olds asking them to meet me alone for a beer. We have that kind of close relationship — would a guy who hates women be so close with his wife?!”
After being fired for sexual harassment from his previous job, Chalmers opened his own business that’s become a well-known enterprise in the capital city. He said that although a lot of people in his line of work know he preys on women and physically molests them, it’s pretty damned unlikely that anyone will say anything.
“I employ as many girls as possible — it’s a great front for my little habit of assaulting women in my spare time. I mean, I must be a good guy if I’m providing these ladies with their paychecks! I’m an equal-opportunity pervert, you might say.”
A growing number of Frederictonians are aware of Chalmers and his creepy ways, but they’ve mostly decided to look the other way — after all, he seems like quite a women’s advocate.
“I dunno, he seems like a great guy to me,” said Rob Noland, 42, who has had two close female friends tell him that Chalmers made unwanted moves on them. “He’s never done anything to me, so how can I know what my friends say is true? It’s just hearsay. And he hosts some pretty cool events in the city so it’d be a real shame for those to crumble just because of what my close friends have told me.”
“Better not to rock the boat,” agreed Peter Killam, whose business is partnered with that of Chalmers. “Unless he tries to kiss me or something, I don’t care what he does. He brings in a lot of money for me.”
As far as money goes, Chalmers brags about his philanthropic endeavours, using them to show just how “pro-woman” he is.
“I give money to women’s charities, out of the goodness of my heart. Just last week I wrote a big check for a women’s shelter!” he said, while sending an unsolicited dick pic to a 25-year-old he barely knows. “You won’t find a bigger feminist than me.”
Satire of truth. They do indeed hide in plain sight.