Listicle: 10 reasons it’s hard raising children in New Brunswick

New Brunswick — Raising children is hard, no matter where you are. But, raising kids in New Brunswick brings a lot of different challenges into the mix that you may not have to deal with in other parts of Canada, or even the world. Well, we here at The Manatee want you to know that you’re not alone in your misery. So we’ve compiled a list of the most difficult parts of being a parent in the Picture Province for your commiseration purposes.

1. Teaching them the “F” word: No, we’re not talking about what you think we are, we’re talking about the real problematic “F” word in New Brunswick — French. Do you or don’t you put your children in French school? Do you want them to maybe be able to get a government job with their sparse knowledge of the language? Or do you want them to be able to actually understand what they’re learning in English classes so they can get through primary school with a little bit of self-confidence and decent grades? Guess what, though? It doesn’t really matter which one you choose because the government will change the regulations every four years at each provincial election.
2. Long Hours: Have you ever wanted to see what New Brunswick looks like at 4 a.m.? Yeah, us either. But once you have kids, you’ll be up at the crack of dawn every single morning when the sun comes up and regular people are sleeping. Spoiler alert: It’s the same but the trees look wet.
3. Kids aren’t patient: Forget the days you could wait in the unemployment line in peace — your kids will be yelling, fighting and acting like complete idiots the whole time. That’s probably why many New Brunswick parents head straight from Service New Brunswick to the second most popular destination in the province: NB Liquor. Lock the kids in the car while you grab your beer, though. You don’t want to be one of those parents.
4. Finding them: If you don’t want your kids to be outcasts, you’ll have to dress them in traditional New Brunswick attire. Good luck finding them when they’re decked head to toe in camo!
5. Kids have friends: You know what’s worse than your own kids? Other people’s kids. You’re under no obligation whatsoever to like those kids, but they’ll be knocking on your door at dinnertime every night wondering if your kids can come out and play. Better spring for the extra-large Pizza Twice to share, and maybe get yourself a dog the other kids are afraid of.
6. Kids are expensive: Diapers, formula, food and clothing. Having children costs a lot of money, and it doesn’t stop after the toddler years, either. Soon enough your once-adorable little kids will turn into money-sucking leeches bumming cigarettes and stealing your beer — good thing they’re probably not going to college so you won’t be on the hook for a loan, at least.
7. Daycare: Another tough choice for an N.B. parent: Pay more money than you have to put your kids in a decent daycare system. Or, cheap out, hire your unemployed sister and complain about how your kid does nothing but watch Caillou and eat bologna all day long.
8. Teaching them manners: You can do your best to teach your kids to say “please” and “thank you” and to just be decent human beings in life. But, they’ll forget all this with one trip to the local Walmart when they see how New Brunwickers really treat each other: like garbage.
9. Helping them make good choices: All parents want their children to succeed in life and make good choices, and it’s tough to always know what to teach your children. Alpine or Moosehead? Liberal or Conservative? Next Gold or John Players? Is any brand of smokes OK as long as they don’t vape? These are just a sampling of questions each parent will unfortunately only be able to answer for themselves.
10. Kids are gross: In general, kids are disgusting, but a little more gross in New Brunswick. It’s nothing against the kids or the parents here, there are just more gross things in the province than in the rest of the country. Sap on the trees, dirt roads, ticks, fleas, lice, camo clothing and Saint John — really, kids don’t have a chance at staying clean in New Brunswick.