Gulf of St. Lawrence — Yet another right whale has been found passed out drunk on the coast of Newfoundland.
This comes as the the tenth report this summer of a whale arriving onto the beach, uninvited, and crashing a private party. People are reporting that the aquatic mammals have been drinking heavily, building illegal bonfires and wearing skimpy clothes far too small for their large, grey bodies.
“I’m just worried about the kids,” said concerned mother Sarah Reeves. “It’s like these things have no filter, always making obscene jokes about their, ugh, blow holes.”
The whales, for their part, say that they have every right to be there.
“All them humans gotta chill, man,” said one right whale, holding a solo cup with indiscriminate contents. “It’s a public beach, y’know? These people act like they own it. It’s messed up, bro.”
Seeing as Nova Scotia researchers believe there may be as few as 468 right whales left in the world, some are claiming that their exclusion from beach activities is due to the fact that they are a visible minority.
“That’s absurd,” said Dr. Mario Nothegame, Chief of Human/Whale Relations for the province. “It’s been this way for years. Everyone knows their place. Humans stay on land, while whales stay in the water.
“You know, separate but equ…ah, shit. Yup. I hear it. I get what you’re saying.”
The struggle for a more inclusive future for humans and whales continues to rage on, but many right whales remain hopeful.
“Yo,” said one drunk balaenidae, getting serious for a moment. “I think that good drinks, good tunes, on a good beach is the first step, man. I really do. You can’t fight and party at the same time. Kinship between species is a beautiful thing.”
He then turned his attention to the other party-goers.
“Now whose hole do I gotta blow to get some fuckin’ plankton up in this bitch!?”