Miracle cure-all 'fiddlehead oil' developed at UNB test kitchen

Fredericton — Researchers at UNB Fredericton’s test kitchen have developed the next generation of healthy and environmentally conscious oils: fiddlehead oil.

In recent years, the food industry has seen the emergence of plant-based fats; coconut oil has claimed the lead among health-food aficionados, followed by palm oil and krill oil. Benefits of these popular new oils include improved personal health and environmental friendliness, more youthful complexions and increased sexual satisfaction.

Lead researcher Dr. Kimberly Farynuk, professor of Natural Biological Medicine at UNB, told The Manatee that “fiddlehead oil is the next revolutionary diet supplement.” According to Dr. Farynuk, features include “pure, organic, omega-3 medium chain trans-fatty acids at levels not found in any other fats.”

FiddleheadoilOur investigation has discovered that fiddleheads are not as desirable a fixing as provincial tourist brochures might lead one to believe. “Nobody buys the damned things anyway,” said Miranda Doiron, cashier and veggie-stocker at Cochran’s Country Market in Rothesay. “Most of ours end up in the compost pile out back.”

Production of fiddlehead oil, however, could be an economic boon for the economically depressed communities along the Saint John River where most fiddleheads are harvested.

According to the researchers, fiddlehead oil may be able to help cure obesity as well as being underweight, insomnia, lethargy, warts, chronic acne, eczema, allergies, light sensitivity, erectile dysfunction, low libido, high libido, migraines, fevers, nasal congestion, apathy, dental cavities, and more.

Development of the oil, like many new food products, was an accident. “We were trying to develop a new smoothie, but our mixers kept getting gummed up,” Dr. Farynuk said. She hinted that test samples of the green oil were a big hit at last year’s departmental Saint Patrick’s Day party, and tasted especially good spread over Ritz Crackers. It has a “quaggy aroma,” she said, which “spurred fervent after-hours carnal attraction.”