New Brunswick — In a move that clearly used the right side of his brain, Premier Brian Gallant announced today that New Brunswick will shift to become a fully left-handed province in May. The latest scheme to attract people to fill the growing population holes promises that all existing services, infrastructure and tools will be reversed to appeal to the more creative of Earth’s denizens.
Historically, left-handed people were ostracized and forced to conform with ways of life that fit the right-hand mould. Gallant promises a haven for the oppressed people. “No more right-handed computer mice. No more right-handed tech-startup business deal handshakes. Right is wrong and New Brunswick is left!” proclaimed Gallant, weakly raising his left fist in a show of proud solidarity.
Schoolchildren’s binders and notebooks are having the labelling now printed from what was previously back to front, so that nobody will grow up with smudged hands from dragging their palms across fresh ink. Anyone pulled over by police or RCMP will have the right to have their ticket written with the left hand, otherwise it can be contested in court.
“We were always trying to be everything for everyone. We are not that. New Brunswick needs to find its niche, and I can say with certainty that that niche is left-handedness,” explained Gallant.
People who are currently right-handed will have to either conform to the new norm or move out if they don’t like it. According to government officials, many left-handed people from focus groups have expressed interest in New Brunswick if it were to become their Holy Land.
“Southpaws like myself have to deal with crap every day. I’m mad as hell, and I’m not going to take it anymore,” said an enraged Byron Jennings of Tennessee via telephone. “I heard about the Canadian New Brunswick becoming a safe place for people like me, and I just up and quit my job and applied for citizenship,” elaborated Jennings proudly.
Not everyone is happy about the change. Namely, a Facebook activist group called “New Brunswick Referendum on Lefthandidism 2015” is leading a charge for duality, rather than singularity. Their mandate states: “This group is about standing up for equality for ALL New Brunswickers, not just for special interest groups. This is NOT a pro-righty, or anti-lefty forum, it is a WE ARE AGAINST DISCRIMINATORY POLICIES THAT SET OUT TO SEGREGATE ALL NEW BRUNSWICKERS!” Despite being very vocal online, no one from the group would agree to be interviewed at press time.
Opposition Leader Bruce Fitch is rumoured to secretly be ambidextrous. “I have no opinion on the matter,” said Fitch, who for once had no criticism to offer.
Very subtle.
This is total BS!! If we can be bi-lingual…… why the hell can’t we become ambidextrous?? GD politicians!