Deer demand humans calm the hell down

Kennebecasis Valley — As the last of winter’s snow melts away, deer are out of the woods and roaming around the homesteads of the Kennebecasis Valley. As the citizens of Hampton, Quispamsis and Rothesay again raise the alarm about deer on roadways and in their gardens, local deer have a message for the humans: “Leave us the hell alone already!”

The Manatee has enlisted the help of local deer-whisperer Adam Jacobs, who prefers to be called by his tree-name: Oak Waterlily. Waterlily helped The Manatee find and interview various members of the nearby fauna.

“These KV residents clear away our shelter and food and build new homes where we’ve lived for generations,” said an unnamed local doe. “Then we try to find something to eat and everyone gets upset saying that we need to be culled. Well, I’ve got news for you humans, you’re the assholes in this scenario, not us. So why don’t you back the hell off?”

fawnPeople in the Kennebecasis Valley are complaining about a spike in the incidents of deer damaging gardens and colliding with vehicles. New Brunswick’s white-tailed deer population reached roughly 90,000 in 2013, according to provincial wildlife biologists. Even though the number of white-tailed deer roaming around the province has increased recently, it is still lower than previous decades.

Five years ago, Quispamsis and Rothesay both passed by-laws to prevent citizens from feeding the deer. In 2014, Valley residents formed a citizens’ group called the Kennebecasis Valley Deer Committee to urge government to act. In response, the provincial Department of Natural Resources launched the Nuisance Deer Management Assistance Program, which allowed hunters to bag an extra 200 does in the Rothesay, Quispamsis and Hampton areas.

“There’s no epidemic of lyme disease ravaging Kings County. Humans are exaggerating alleged nuisance and danger from us to get action from government,” said a spokes-deer for a herd in Rothesay. “We aren’t more numerous than in the past, but apparently the number of fussy humans with sticks up their butts has increased exponentially.”

Some citizens are arguing the number of deer creates a real danger to motorists. According to Rothesay Mayor Bill Bishop, there have been several hundred collisions between deer and vehicles in the Kennebecasis Valley. “If people don’t want to hit deer, maybe they should slow the hell down and drive the actual speed limit in their residential neighbourhoods,” says a Quispamsis deer. “There are dozens of things to avoid on the road when driving, but if one of you self-important primates hits a deer then it’s our fault? Yeah right.”

All in all, the deer remain unmoved by the residents who argue that they are a huge nuisance. A Hampton buck said, “There are humans all over the world who are just trying to survive day to day like we are. If your biggest headache is a deer eating your tulips, I think you’re doing okay. Maybe you should take some of those hours that you’re spending lobbying government, and do something productive with it. Like converting your property into a fort so nothing disturbs your precious yard.”

All deer interviewed for this story are anonymous because deer do not have names.

  1. The deer have it right. We destroy their habitat, leave them no place to go and nothing to eat and we think THEY are the problem? Good grief! And yes, I plant flowers every year and yes, every year the deer eat some…..big whoop. They were here before we came and (hopefully) they’ll be here after we’re gone.
    Kudos to the ‘deer whisperer’… what we need is an asshole whisperer to speak to those calling for a cull.


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