New Brunswick — As more and more young New Brunswickers move back home from Western Canada, the smiles of those who remained in the province grow even more smug.
Randy MacDonald walks up the steps to his parents’ door. He just moved back to Sussex after working on an oil rig in Alberta for the last three years. A sign hangs above his parents’ door that reads “Welcome home, Randy!” in bright red letters. Below that it says “Know your place.”
“Everyone knows Fort Mac is toxic, and we’re just happy that Randy got out of there before he got too big for his breeches,” said Randy’s mother Saundra MacDonald, with her arm protectively draped over his shoulders.
Randy’s forced smile as his father affectionately ruffles his hair is identical to that of the many other youth returning to the East Coast. Statistics Canada recently released information showing that in 2014, 7 out of 10 people that moved out west from New Brunswick 5 years ago now live in New Brunswick again. Many are saying that westerners “bullied” those from the East Coast about their quaint accent and “niceness.”
“They said we’re always talking about the East Coast, to the point that it became a tired trope. I just want to feel the warmth of a good ol’ Maritime kitchen party again,” said Randy.
Other youth who had no dreams of venturing off claim that they “knew all along that leaving was a bad choice.”
“It just goes to show that New Brunswick is the kind of place you can’t escape from. There’s no point in even trying,” proudly said Randy’s former girlfriend, Irma Cunningham of Sussex, who is allegedly known in the community to brag about having never even visited Prince Edward Island. “We knew you’d come crawling back for more,” she added.
Since the recent election, rumours abound that the new Liberal government will be raising minimum wage by $5 to make New Brunswick a desirable destination for young professionals. An official announcement is expected to be made in November.
Nothing wrong with venturing out into the world. Nothing ventured…nothing gained. Most of the young people come here to Alberta to make some cash so they can take this money back to NB and buy homes and land for their families. Don’t be so smug
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Fort Mac toxic,people who say things like that have no idea what it’s like here,it really pisses me off when people leave there home province and can’t make it on there own or miss there mommy waiting on them hand and foot,go back and bad mouth the west.well they should just tell it like it is that you would rather live in a place where unemployment and welfare is a way of life.i lived in Fort Mac for years and haven’t seen this TOXIC side ,it’s like any other city in Canada,there are toxicans if you want them and that is maybe what this person is talking about,(but not telling mom&dad)so don’t blame Fort Mac or any other place,until you have lived in Fort mcmurray you should really keep your opinions to yourself,I have heard all the story’s of people making the big money then going and blowing it on drugs booze and lady’s of the night then saying it cost so much to live there that they have to move back home,all I can say is move back and SHUTT THE FUCK UP.thats all folks
… in other news, you do know that this is a satire website, right?
satire has been just wasted.. toxicans,, are they like ‘mericans? 😉
The bullying would be in toronto not alberta! Toronto is scary!
Irma Cunningham – you keep your hands off my Randy. If I see you hanging out at the Legion looking for him – there’ll be trouble. You’re gonna wish you were in PEI. You got that?!?!