New Brunswick College of Puritans bans all harmful items from convenience stores

New Brunswick College of Puritans bans all harmful items from convenience stores

New Brunswick — After the New Brunswick College of Pharmacists issued an order to convenience stores to stop selling certain medications, the province’s college of puritans has decided to take this ordinance a step further by forcing convenience stores to remove all potentially harmful items from their shelves.

“This leaves almost nothing,” lamented Martin Ingram, who manages a downtown Fredericton convenience store that does most of its sales after grocery stores close. “I could have kept business going without the Nyquil and Benadryl, but now all I really have for sale is bananas and an apple or two, a bundle of firewood, a few New Brunswick flags and maps.

“I assumed milk and eggs would still be OK but some of the vegan members of the college put a stop to that as well.”

This morning, convenience stores all across the province were gutted of everything harmful or potentially addictive, including ice cream, dirty magazines, pull-tabs, chocolate bars, laundry pods, energy drinks — even those stale McCain Deep’n Delicious cakes at the very bottom of freezers. Instead of donating forbidden items to the homeless people sitting directly outside, store owners were forced to burn all the contraband, to ensure no one could be hurt by these dangerous goods.

The New Brunswick College of Puritans insists that the initiative is for everyone’s own good.

“One of the top killers of New Brunswickers is obesity. If people can, at any time, access Slim Jims and Doritos and Pepsi and Moon Pies, they’ll eat themselves to death,” said Shayla Morgan, president of the college, by way of example.

“Needless to say there will be no more cigarettes and lotto tickets and those gigantic cookies the size of your head, either. No more samosas and no more Nerds. And stores that sold gas will no longer be able to do that because weird junkies and deranged teens could huff it.”

Accused by our reporter of being a killjoy, Morgan held firm to her morals.

“It’s been proven time and again that if bad things are less accessible, people will just give up and not bother with them. Like with booze and marijuana — they’re inconvenient to get, and because of that they’re not a problem in our province.”

Kenny Horton of Moncton said he’s used to getting all the essentials from the convenience store next to his house, but now that will no longer be an option as all they have for sale is a loaf of whole grain bread and a few bottles of water.

“This friggen’ sucks, man!” he exclaimed. “Now I gotta walk to Superstore just to get my Alpha-getti and Mr. Noodles? What’s this world coming to?!”

Horton then called a cab to take him to the supermarket.

According to the College of Puritans, if all goes according to plan, even the few remaining items left for sale will soon be banned.

“Firewood could be used for arson, obviously,” reasoned Morgan, “and whole grain bread could cause a potentially fatal reaction if ingested by someone with celiac disease. Bananas could cause a blood-sugar spike in a diabetic. And the bottles that water come in could end up in a landfill, eventually killing us all!

“New Brunswickers should be grateful that we’re here to worry about this stuff on their behalf.”

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