Washington — American President Barack Obama today signed a declaration naming Canada’s province of New Brunswick a national security threat. The order places sanctions on elected members of the legislative assembly and high-ranking government officials, but so far excludes general economic sanctions.
In the daily White House briefing, the president told The Manatee‘s reporter — who was trying his hardest not to look or sound like a New Brunswicker — that “terrorism is a serious threat to America, and to Canada, and the New Brunswick-Maine border is too easy for terrorists to cross. Look,” he said haltingly, “we have monitoring equipment covering every inch of the border, and there are just too many unplanned crossings. Until New Brunswickers learn to back off, we have to implement these sanctions.”
Sanctions prevent New Brunswickers from coming to America to: buy eggs; buy gas; shop at Marden’s; buy cheap alcohol; buy cigarettes; visit Stephen King’s haunted mansion; or attend Red Sox games.
Premier Brian Gallant was incensed at the decision. “The province has a row of 24 season tickets at Fenway!” he cried. “If we can’t attend the games, we’ll have to look at using Larry’s Gulch more often for caucus meetings. This will hit New Brunswickers in their pockets.”
Agriculture, Aquaculture and Fisheries Minister Rick Doucet expressed his displeasure as well. “I’m disappointed in the decision. If I can’t go to America to buy basic groceries and gasoline, what’s the point of going?”
The MLAs interviewed were hurt most by the Stephen King mansion ban. “Our family vacation was planned around this tour,” said Tourism, Heritage and Culture Minister Bill Fraser. “What are we going to do now, rent a cabin in Caraquet?”
When asked to provide some piece of evidence that New Brunswickers are somehow a threat to America, President Obama produced a grainy image of what could be construed as a terrorist crossing the border at night. “Now this is scary shit!” he exclaimed. “Can you imagine if this perpetrator ever made it to Washington? The destruction he would create is unimaginable — and unacceptable.”