Atlantic Canada — Saint John, N.B. is sick and tired of being the far less popular and cool Maritime city named after John, the saint.
“Ninety percent of people who look me up or call me are actually just looking for St. John’s!” explained an exasperated Saint John. “I’ve even started forwarding my voicemail to him.”
The Port City has been encountering this problem for a while. “It was fun for a bit in middle school — I liked imagining I was a cool fishing village that everyone loved and romanticized,” explained a wistful Saint John. “But then I remembered that I was just a shitty oil town, and the crash wasn’t worth the high.”
Though Saint John usually redirects anyone that looks him up on Google or visits his polluted shores to the St. John’s they’re actually looking for, Saint John confesses he isn’t always so helpful. “Sometimes people ask me if I’m the St. John’s from Newfoundland… and I… I just say yes.”
St. John’s, a bustling provincial capital boasting a quaint flair, was also disappointed to hear about the comparison. “Seriously? Saint John is still a thing?” asked an incredulous St. John’s. “I literally forgot that existed until this moment.”
Saint John says that even his own wife seems to prefer St. John’s. “She always seems to laugh more at his jokes,” sighed the defeated New Brunswick city. “Sometimes when she says my name in bed, I swear she’s adding in a possessive ‘s’.” Moncton, Saint John’s wife, refused to provide any comment.
Saint John stated that he would likely be changing his name to Irvingtown soon anyway, so hopefully these mixups will eventually be a thing of the past.