Saint John tells rest of province to ‘suck it’ during extreme heat

Saint John tells rest of province to ‘suck it’ during extreme heat

Saint John — As the province endures another sweltering day of extreme heat and humidity, the residents of the Port City are resting comfortably in their bayside residences.

Today, most of New Brunswick will reach temperatures of up to 31ºC — feeling like 40ºC in most areas. However, Saint Johners are gazing ruefully northward saying, “Oh that’s too bad…suck it up princesses! Ha!”

Historically, Saint John has been the recipient of frequent teasing due to its industrial landscape and the unpleasant smells from its past water treatment challenges. While the locals tolerate the derisive comments from other baselessly bougie municipalities, this week it gets to enjoy being the ideal summer destination due to the cool breezes from the Bay of Fundy.

“Oh, is it hot in Fredericton?” smirked Saint John resident Tiffany Howe, rolling her eyes. “Trust me, I know. I can hear all of them moaning from here. They like to rip on Saint John so much, I hope they don’t sleep a wink tonight while they sweat through their sheets! Serves them right for being insufferable jerks about Saint John all the time!”

She paused, then said, “Brrr, did you feel that chilly breeze? I better go find a sweater before I go on my hike in the much bigger park. Did you know Rockwood Park is 2,200 acres while Odell Park is only 333? That’s like 85% smaller! Wow…huh? Or I guess we could go to the other 600 acre nature park on the west side…so many choices! What a great summer day to spend outside!”

When asked for comment, Fredericton resident Shelia Biggs said, “Huh…I still don’t want to live there.”

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