Grand-Bay Westfield — As deciduous trees bud and songbirds resume their morning serenades, New Brunswick men’s obsession with their lawns has stirred back to life.
And as surely as April showers turning into May flowers, so resumes the annual fixation with the length, colour, moisture level, thatch amount and fertilizer level of the grass on their properties.
“Honestly, this so-called ‘No-Mow May’ is hell for me,” confessed local retiree Gary Gazon. “Whatever pinko socialist thought up that idea should be composted for sixty days!”
While many environmentalists are advocating leaving the lawn uncut for the month of May to help feed the springtime bees, Gazon will hear of no such heresy.
“I’ve been tuning up my lawnmower for the past two weeks! I’ve had that thing up on a lift sharpening the blades and changing the oil. And now I’m just not supposed to not use it and let the lawn grow wild? It’s utter sheep manure!”
Gazon, who was still regularly mowing his lawn in late November last year, says he’s not in favour of everyone letting their lawns grow “willy nilly” for a month. When they do, he has no way to tell how much better he is at lawn care compared to his neighbours.
“I mean, I don’t want to sound weird about it, but I get a lot of pleasure from driving around the neighbourhood and comparing my lawn to other people’s. And if I see someone else has a really good one, I always pull over and strike up a conversation to see how they did it. Sometimes, that takes up my entire Saturday! Now what am I going to do with my weekends?”
When told that “No Mow May” could lead to a lawn with hundreds of dandelions, Gazon’s entire face turned bright red.
“It’s time for you to go. Right ‘effin now. GET OFF MY LAWN!” he hissed.