Prince Edward Island — The message is loud and clear — Prince Edward Island does not want anyone visiting until the current pandemic is officially over. On Sunday, Premier Dennis King had military demolitions experts detonate timed charges on the Confederation Bridge that blew their link to the mainland to kingdom come.
“Too many potential COVID-19 carriers were trying to come visit their cottages on the Island,” said King at a press conference Monday. “I’m prepared to protect Islanders by whatever means necessary. Our next step is to place armed submarines at all major ports and anti-aircraft turrets at our airports to deter any visitors.”
With P.E.I. closed to entry, many islanders are worried about how long they can last with no imported goods.
“Alls we gots is potatoes, lobster, COWS ice cream, and potato vodka,” lamented Ned Gallant, a farmer in Rustico. “Actually, that doesn’t sound half bad for now. But we’re sure as hell going to be sick of it after a couple months.”
Island residents have begun stocking up on essentials from grocery stores, just like everyone at the beginning of COVID-19.
“We’re back to hoarding toilet paper and Lysol wipes just in case they go out of stock,” said Jenna Murdock, a Charlottetown resident. “We don’t even need them, but you can resell them on Facebook Marketplace at triple the value!”
The Government of Prince Edward Island does not plan on building a new bridge until a COVID-19 vaccine has been developed, which experts say could take at least two years. New Brunswick residents were previously hoping to be able to visit the Island by mid-summer, but chances of that happening are now zero.
“I own a chalet on P.E.I., I’m paying taxes there and now I can’t get there!” cried Harry McKinley of Moncton. “What a ripoff! I’m starting a Change.org petition to get this fixed.”
McKinley’s petition is demanding that Transportation Canada build a tunnel to Prince Edward Island — a project proposed back in 1885.
Despite the outcry, Premier King is standing firm in his decision.
“Bottom line is: if you come from away, you aren’t welcome. If you’re a true Islander, you’re already living on a farm here and you’ll be safe for years.”