P.E.I. detonates Confederation Bridge to block COVID-19 carriers

P.E.I. detonates Confederation Bridge to block COVID-19 carriers

Prince Edward Island — The message is loud and clear — Prince Edward Island does not want anyone visiting until the current pandemic is officially over. On Sunday, Premier Dennis King had military demolitions experts detonate timed charges on the Confederation Bridge that blew their link to the mainland to kingdom come.

“Too many potential COVID-19 carriers were trying to come visit their cottages on the Island,” said King at a press conference Monday. “I’m prepared to protect Islanders by whatever means necessary. Our next step is to place armed submarines at all major ports and anti-aircraft turrets at our airports to deter any visitors.”

With P.E.I. closed to entry, many islanders are worried about how long they can last with no imported goods.

“Alls we gots is potatoes, lobster, COWS ice cream, and potato vodka,” lamented Ned Gallant, a farmer in Rustico. “Actually, that doesn’t sound half bad for now. But we’re sure as hell going to be sick of it after a couple months.”

Island residents have begun stocking up on essentials from grocery stores, just like everyone at the beginning of COVID-19.

“We’re back to hoarding toilet paper and Lysol wipes just in case they go out of stock,” said Jenna Murdock, a Charlottetown resident. “We don’t even need them, but you can resell them on Facebook Marketplace at triple the value!”

The Government of Prince Edward Island does not plan on building a new bridge until a COVID-19 vaccine has been developed, which experts say could take at least two years. New Brunswick residents were previously hoping to be able to visit the Island by mid-summer, but chances of that happening are now zero.

“I own a chalet on P.E.I., I’m paying taxes there and now I can’t get there!” cried Harry McKinley of Moncton. “What a ripoff! I’m starting a Change.org petition to get this fixed.”

McKinley’s petition is demanding that Transportation Canada build a tunnel to Prince Edward Island — a project proposed back in 1885.

Despite the outcry, Premier King is standing firm in his decision.

“Bottom line is: if you come from away, you aren’t welcome. If you’re a true Islander, you’re already living on a farm here and you’ll be safe for years.”

  1. All I can say about this article is.. wow! As a PEI resident I can assure you that our premier Dennis King did NOT call upon the military to ‘blow our link to the mainland to kingdom come’ and it is in fact completely intact. I do have a concern though for you Alex Vietinghoff, there are so many important topics to write about.. Covid-19 and the effect it’s having on the world, how about the many lives that were lost to Covid-19? Or how about the many protests that are taking place all over right now for Black Lives Matter, and the lives that were lost because of senseless acts. How about you Mr. Vietinghoff write about something that is correct and meaningful not something that is a complete load of BS!

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  2. I thought that this article was hilarious. The sleepers will believe anything and respond with something totally ridiculous like the individual who commented below. I think this article was to tell ppl to wake up and stop believing everything that’s reported. I think this article is ingenious. Congrats to the writer. ???

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  3. Lighten up people ,…… for sanity`s sake ….. It`s a great piece of “fluff “

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  4. I loved this article and laughed all day after reading it. But they got the part about Premier King trying to stop visitors to the Island. He’d have everyone here if he thought it wouldn’t hurt his chances in the next election.

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  5. To the writers and staff of The Manatee. Monty Python would be proud of the lampoonery you folks seem to have a solid mastery of. Your articles make me laugh and smile whenever I read them. Thank you for brightening the days of so many people with your tongue in cheekiness laugh at ourselves attitude.

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  6. surprise first, not long before we see it as a joke

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  7. Good Read from a generational displaced PEI wanna be. America kinda sucks now. When can we visit?? Aa

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  8. Joseph Bartlette June 11, 2020, 3:22 am

    are you stupid or retarted has living on an island turned your brains to potatos? it is ment to be a joke ya know something made in good fun Get your boomer ass back in the jesus house and stay off the internet ya god damn Snowflake. the internet is no place for an elderly crayon eating keyboard warrior like yourself.

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  9. Scott Campbell June 11, 2020, 12:55 pm

    Best THING (article, book, sign, etc.) I’ve ever read!! 10 minutes laughing and counting! You’re a genius Alex! As a relatively safe Islander now, I’m waiting for any updates on the airport.

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  10. I live in B.C and knew this didn’t really happen. But it’s sad how many people will believe absolutely any news article that they read without using logic.

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  11. Way to give a well needed chuckle thanks made my day!!! From NS

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  12. Is this your first day on the internet? Because, wooooooooooow.

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  13. It was very obviously a joke, and was quite funny. For news about misery, despair, Covid, and racist-violent-moronic police abuse, all you have to do is turn on any TV for 3 minutes or more. The world needs humour now and then so we can breathe in, breathe out, and relax for a moment, before getting on with the business at hand. Instead of barking at people from a humourless and fake moral high ground, maybe you should calm down, have a cup of tea and consult either a close friend for a talk, or your local health professional.

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  14. Beverly Hilliker June 20, 2020, 5:31 pm

    As I sat laughing while I read the “Breaking News” I knew it couldn’t be true. Thank you Michelle for helping me prove how gullible people are 🙂

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  15. I’m going to check

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  16. I thought it was quite a good idea, if we could blow the Severn Bridges and stop people crossing to their holiday cottages we might manage to keep the covid rates lower in Wales.

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  17. Are you enjoying the game alex?

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