New Brunswick — Some may view them as a scourge, but effective at the end of the week, ATVs will be granted access to all New Brunswick roads — including highways, rural roads, city streets and municipal trails.
“We just can’t fight it anymore,” said local police officer Jeremy Burtt. “We’re tired of chasing them down, when, frankly, our resources are better spent doling out speeding tickets and posting about it on Facebook for the quick win.”
ATVs are now legally considered vehicles, and given all the same rights and freedoms.
Many private property owners are upset about the news, having already tried in vain to keep the ATV enthusiasts from trespassing.
“We’ve been told that when new regulations come into effect, we have to allow these nutbars to tear into our yards and across fields, because they’re ‘ALL terrain vehicles’ and our private land, roads and waterways are part of ‘all terrain’!” cried farmer Jack MacKenzie of Keswick.
“They already ripped down my No Trespassing signs and dug up my fences, just so they could pass through. They destroy everything they touch, and we’re giving them more access? Well, fine, but that just means I’m taking my tractor on the road, too.”
“No one likes cyclists, so we’re going to widen any existing bike lanes and convert those into ATV-only lanes,” said Transportation and Infrastructure Minister Jill Green. “And I would advise citizens to simply get out of the way — fast — if you’re out for a family stroll on one of our beautiful trails.
“It’s not that hard. Just move your strollers, dogs and elderly relatives aside so the ATVers can pass. We know they kick up a lot of dust, but you can resume wearing face masks if that’s a concern.”
Premier Blaine Higgs has said that, while he himself doesn’t ATV in his spare time, he understands the appeal, and he argues that all vehicles should be considered viable on all roadways.
“With the exception of vehicles that don’t burn fuel, such as bicycles, we at Irv– I mean the provincial government believe that the economic boost provided by gas-eating vehicles should be encouraged, everywhere, all the time.”