New Brunswick — Disclaimer: Coach Lambert is not a licensed health-care practitioner and was once accused of beating a show pony with a rubber hose at an Albert County fair for “neighing out of turn.”
“Dear coach, I was doing yard work the other week and scraped my shin on a rusty fence post. Since then, the wound has become discoloured and is getting more and more painful. I think it could be gangrene or some other form of bacterial infection. What should I do?”
-Mike Bower, Centreville, N.B.
Coach: Quit your bellyaching, Bower! Throw some dirt on there and walk it off!!
“Dear coach, I recently lost my job of over 20 years and have been struggling to find work ever since. I now find myself in a deep state of depression and cry myself to sleep each night. I don’t know what to do or who to turn to. Please help!”
– Oliver Johnson, Doaktown, N.B.
Coach: Oh for Christ sakes, Johnson, you keep blabbering on like a little pansy and I’ll really give you something to cry about! Take a lap around the field and get back in the game!!
“Dear coach, I lost nearly all of my left leg this past winter due to a Skidoo accident. It’s been a long and difficult recovery. I now struggle with a painkiller addiction and just day-to-day functioning in general. My life has completely changed and I don’t know how to adjust. Is there any advice you can give me?”
– Blake Nelson, Moncton, N.B.
Coach: Oh for crying out loud, Nelson! I lost a toe to diabetes and you don’t hear me bitching and moaning. Walk it off!!