Stratford, P.E.I. to stagger mealtimes to reduce stink of wastewater plant

Stratford, P.E.I. to stagger mealtimes to reduce stink of wastewater plant

Stratford — In response to outrage from Stratfordonians and Charlottetownians alike, Stratford’s town council has developed a Stink Reduction Strategy, which includes two initiatives aimed at reducing the foul odour emanating from the wastewater treatment plant located next to the Hillsborough Bridge.

Local resident Cory Dunstable pressed the council into action after nearly 95 per cent of the Island’s fastest-growing community signed a petition demanding that the council take steps to ameliorate the situation.

“I don’t mind smelling my own stink first thing in the morning, but being subjected to smell of the collective evacuations of almost 10,000 people as I drive into work is nauseating,” he said.

“We should change the town’s motto from Think Stratford to Stink Stratford,” he added, donning a vintage Second World War gas mask as he prepared to head into work.

Town Council, after a heated debate, has decided to impose a rolling meal schedule on residents in an effort to reduce the morning strain on the town’s sewage system. An anonymous Town Hall source revealed the plans.

“Residents living on the south side of the bridge will now eat their meals at 9 a.m., 1 p.m., and 6 p.m., while residents on the north side must consume their meals no later than 7 a.m., 11 a.m. and 4 p.m. Given the amount of time it takes the average human to digest their food, we anticipate that the north side bowel movements and the south side bowel movements will be staggered, thus eliminating the bottleneck of turds that seems to be a large factor in the creation of the unfortunate smell,” he explained.

The source went on to note that the $10.9 million Stratford had set aside for a project that would have seen the town’s poop being piped across the river to Charlottetown, which turned out to be woefully less than the cost of the project, will now be invested in the World’s Largest Glade Air Freshener that will perch on the edge of the lagoon.

“The air freshener may well become a tourist attraction as well as playing a vital role in the Stink Reduction Strategy,” he added.

  1. Oh now I get it….it’s really April 1st (which for one thing, would explain the “crappy” weather)….as well as this “foolish” and ludacris idea for Stratford’s “stinking” situation!

    All kidding aside, I feel for residents and businesses that are forced to wallow in that stench, it can’t be healthy……what an embarrassment for Stratford!!

    • I live in Stratford, not all of our town of residents and businesses are affected, just those close by the treatment plant. Excuse me, I must eat now at the appropriate time.

  2. Here in East Royalty, Charlottetown some of us are affected by a small plant as well. It’s nice to know we are not alone, but wish no one would have to deal with stink at all. The mask is a good idea, we have been carrying cut onions under our noses.
    Looking forward to visiting the Air Freshener, though. Anyone know what sent you have picked out yet?


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