Stratford — In response to outrage from Stratfordonians and Charlottetownians alike, Stratford’s town council has developed a Stink Reduction Strategy, which includes two initiatives aimed at reducing the foul odour emanating from the wastewater treatment plant located next to the Hillsborough Bridge.
Local resident Cory Dunstable pressed the council into action after nearly 95 per cent of the Island’s fastest-growing community signed a petition demanding that the council take steps to ameliorate the situation.
“I don’t mind smelling my own stink first thing in the morning, but being subjected to smell of the collective evacuations of almost 10,000 people as I drive into work is nauseating,” he said.
“We should change the town’s motto from Think Stratford to Stink Stratford,” he added, donning a vintage Second World War gas mask as he prepared to head into work.
Town Council, after a heated debate, has decided to impose a rolling meal schedule on residents in an effort to reduce the morning strain on the town’s sewage system. An anonymous Town Hall source revealed the plans.
“Residents living on the south side of the bridge will now eat their meals at 9 a.m., 1 p.m., and 6 p.m., while residents on the north side must consume their meals no later than 7 a.m., 11 a.m. and 4 p.m. Given the amount of time it takes the average human to digest their food, we anticipate that the north side bowel movements and the south side bowel movements will be staggered, thus eliminating the bottleneck of turds that seems to be a large factor in the creation of the unfortunate smell,” he explained.
The source went on to note that the $10.9 million Stratford had set aside for a project that would have seen the town’s poop being piped across the river to Charlottetown, which turned out to be woefully less than the cost of the project, will now be invested in the World’s Largest Glade Air Freshener that will perch on the edge of the lagoon.
“The air freshener may well become a tourist attraction as well as playing a vital role in the Stink Reduction Strategy,” he added.