Study shows laundry pods pose major risk to children, stoners

Woodstock — New research suggests laundry pods – those brightly coloured and convenient one-time-use detergent packs – pose a huge health risk to young children, as well as to New Brunswick’s potheads.

The threat is so weighty that the study’s authors recommend families with young children or roommates of stoners avoid purchasing the pods completely and stick with hand-washing clothing on old-fashioned laundry boards.

The study, published in the journal Narcotized, looked at information from the National Pothead Data System in New Brunswick. It found that 4,032 children in the province under the age of 6, and more shockingly 9,012 stoners between the ages of 16 and 35 had some kind of unsafe exposure to the pods in 2013.

“These pods are bright with swirling patterns, elaborate rainbow-coloured designs, and attract the attention of kids and especially stoned teenagers and 20-somethings,” explained Dr. Marvin Ferguson, one of the study’s authors.

“It’s not too hard to keep these out of the reach of children, but it’s the pot fiends we’re most worried about. You wouldn’t think it to look at them, but they’re resourceful when they’re really ripped, and they’re lanky, too, so they can get at them even if you store them in a high place.”

Ferguson himself is a pothead, which is what inspired him to study this phenomenon and take action. “We can’t help but think they’re candy,” he went on. “Packaging is a major concern for us. Some of these pods are sold in packages that are transparent, and the stoners can see how trippy and pretty the colours are inside. And often they’re sold in clear plastic baggies … you know, like weed.”

The stoners aren’t just mistaking them for food after an intense blaze-session. The Manatee met up with local pothead Eric Hooper, 23. “I really messed up my eyes, man,” he said while rolling a joint on his nightstand in his one-bedroom apartment decorated with Bob Marley posters. “I saw those swirling patterns, and thought it was, like, a sign or something. I ripped it open and pretty much bathed my eyes in it — I thought I could see the future.”

“And they’re soft and squishy; I just, like, wanted to be inside it, and see the world from its perspective, you know?”

Our reporter noted that Hooper’s tie-dyed “Free Mary Jane” shirt looked as if it had been lived in for weeks — clearly the laundry pods are not being used for their intended purpose. New Brunswickers are being asked to dispose of all laundry pods to protect the province’s many marijuana lovers.

 

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