Fredericton — In a last-ditch effort to prevent freezing their butts off in the St. John River, the UNB men’s swim team has an unconventional plan to save the Sir Max Aitken Pool.
“I don’t know exactly what they’re planning, but I admire their commitment,” said university president Eddy Campbell. “I’m afraid that there just isn’t that much they can do, unless they have a plan for keeping it filled, maintained and regularly cleaned.”
“We’re going to piss in it,” said team captain Brian LaForge, excitedly. “Every week, we’re going to drain the pool, then fill it up again with our pee.”
LaForge explained that, as a kid, he was a big fan of the Discovery Channel program Man vs. Wild, and he learned from that show that urine is “totally sterile” and therefore “doesn’t even need to be cleaned.”
“It’s foolproof! I had all the boys pledge to hold it in all week, every week until it comes time to go ahead and let ‘er rip into the pool. We’re going to have so much backed-up wiz it’s going to come shooting out like a goddamn fire hose!” he said, flamboyantly waving a textbook that was almost certainly not about human anatomy.
While the team has promised to double-up on their alcohol consumption during the week, LaForge remains concerned that it won’t be enough, and has begun printing posters reading, “Don’t Pee for Nothing, Piss for This” in hopes of attracting volunteers.
“I’m just proud as hell,” said coach Marvin Cross, who was smiling widely. “Unlike most varsity sports teams, our boys are out there using their little wieners for good.”
The first official pool filling is expected to take place later this month, pending the university’s approval, which is unlikely.
“You guys have, like, funny titles and stuff, right?” said LaForge, towards the end of his interview. “You should call this one something like ‘UNB’s number one swim team goes for gold.’ That’d be hilarious.”
His request was politely denied.