Saint John — Port City man Glen Richardson just turned 50, and, like a complete and utter crackpot, he has yet to purchase or to even be gifted an iPad.
“It’s a rite of passage as you get old,” said his wife Mariana. “Most people, like me, have one by 45, and he still hasn’t gotten one, so naturally I’m a little concerned. Is he trying to cling to his youth by resisting the tablet? Maybe he needs to see a therapist.”
She then hauled out her iPad to look for therapists in the Saint John area who could help her oddball husband.
Richardson’s friends are also perplexed by his Apple-free existence.
“I don’t get it…how are you supposed to interrupt family dinners to take blurry photos, or watch The Crown, or play Solitaire, or Google how to make cute fall-themed decorations?” said Aretha Billings, Richardson’s former classmate.
“I’ve seen him with a smartphone, and I think at work he uses a laptop — what, does he think he’s still 25?” said Richardon’s poker buddy Jeff Donalds. “A phone is simply too small — I for one don’t feel like getting up to find my reading glasses just to check the weather online, and typing on it is impossible. And I wouldn’t know the first thing about a laptop. Don’t those tend to get a lot of viruses?
“You could use the old, slow, gigantic desktop computer that most people our age have,” continued Donalds, “but that’s not portable — it’s just for printing off travel directions in case your iPad dies during vacation.”
The Manatee interviewed Richardson at the Java Moose on Prince William Street.
“I don’t know why everyone’s pressuring me so much. Yeah, I’m 50 now, but I’m not 70 for god’s sake,” boasted the eccentric man. “I think I have a good 20 years before I need to start hauling out a big-ass tablet and holding it up in front of my face for hours during any event, ignoring everyone and frowning about not being able to get the camera to focus and accidentally taking unflattering selfies and accidentally setting them as my Facebook cover photo.
“It’s all just too pathetic. For now I’ll stick to staring down at my phone like a young person.”