Fredericton — This weekend marks the launch of the third in the 50 Shades film franchise, based upon the books that are wildly popular with women who are unable to think of anything decent to read.
Feminists everywhere who are tirelessly fighting for women’s rights are also very excited to see the latest movie, 50 Shades Freed, that’s directed by James Foley and features a heroine who just does whatever an attractive billionaire tells her to.
“I’m so sick of the gender wage gap!” sighed Priscilla McDonald, 38. “I just wanna shell out my hard-earned cash this weekend to sit back, relax, and take in a poorly written, formulaic story about a woman submitting to a man because he’s rich and hot.”
Chapters book store in the Regent Mall has dedicated an entire shelf in their fiction section to the shit literature.
“The quality of the prose is, frankly, insulting to the women buying and reading it,” said Chapters manager Tia Holland. “It’s lowest-common-denominator trash. It sells like crazy, though, and I can already see the line outside Cineplex for tonight’s showing of the movie version. Kind of sad when you think about it.”
Holland, who spearheaded the Fredericton edition of this year’s Women’s March, plans to see the movie, though, so she didn’t want any spoilers.
“Like, yeah, I know what happens in it — it’s the same dumb formula Harlequin uses — but I’m a strong independent woman who can think for myself. I’ll decide how much it sucks when the time comes.”
Local mother Fran Smith plans to treat her two 20-something daughters to the movie on Friday night.
“It’s something for us girls to do together that isn’t one of those paint & sip nights or a yoga class,” she said. “My daughters are both aspiring actresses, and I think the leading lady is a good example for them — maybe one day they too can be attractive enough to draw the attention of a ripped, dominant man who can sweep them off their feet, gag them, and tie them to a bedpost. Failing that, they can follow the path of most female actors by getting naked for the camera and just being objects for the male gaze.
“Either way they’re empowered.”
STU student Carly Andrews wrote a powerful opinion piece last month for The Aquinian about the #metoo movement, and she says she plans to be the first in line for the opening screening of the new movie.
“I feel kind of guilty just watching or reading porn. I feel like if it’s a real movie based on a book, though, it must be more legit,” said the English literature student. “This movie really embodies the messages of #metoo — it’s all about consent and the woman’s right to choose…
“…not to choose whether to wacth the film, though,” she added hastily. “It’s totally a must-see!”
There wouldn’t be a wage gap if women stayed in the kitchen where they belong.