Riverview — The New Brunswick party leaders’ debate Wednesday evening was highly heated and mostly fruitless, but one thing is certain: Brian Gallant’s makeup game was totally on point.
“He was, frankly, killing it in that department,” said moderator Harry Forestell of CBC. “I couldn’t take my eyes off him the entire time. His cheekbones were to die for. Who did his contouring??”
As the leaders pointlessly talked over each other about everything from duality to education to the environment, Gallant’s foundation continued to mask any minor imperfections without appearing to be caked-on.
“That was almost two hours of intense verbal sparring and throughout the whole thing he looked fresh as a daisy,” said Mac Albertson, who was watching the debate on TV at Speedbumps Sports Bar in Fredericton. “I mean he always looks good, but he looked fuckin’ radiant this time.”
“He must have had on that really long-wear mascara and eyeliner,” said Ella McPherson, who caught the debate live on Facebook, where the comments section was positively on fire with speculation about Gallant’s skin-care regimen. “Maybe he’s born with it…? Or maybe it’s Maybelline? I don’t know but he’s got my vote.”
As the debate neared its end, Conservative Leader Blaine Higgs could no longer contain himself.
“Look in the mirror, Mr. Premier!” he cried. “You look…well…amazing! Can you teach me your tricks or not?!?”
“Can we please get back to the topic at hand?” spat NDP Leader Jennifer McKenzie toward Higgs. “I’m the ONLY woman here and Gallant looks prettier than me by a long shot — how is that fair?! How’s that equity!”
After the debate, CBC’s panel of random people who don’t know anything all agreed that Gallant won, not so much because of what he said, but because of how he looked.
“Gallant is a ‘summer,’ but he pulled off a ‘winter’ look this evening,” said a university student on the panel. “I’m starting to think he’d wear any season well.”
“People’s Alliance Leader Kris Austin’s face began turning red halfway through the live event — probably because he refused to waste any campaign money on expensive concealer or powder — and that blotchiness really lost him the debate,” said a CBC journalist.
“Higgs’ suit was about three sizes too big…he’s like 200 years old so you’d think he’d have found a decent tailor by now,” added some lady from the Pond Deshande Centre. “And I thought Green Party Leader David Coon might steal the show with his luscious eyebrows, but he forgot to powder his head and the light bouncing off it was distracting.”
“Yes, Coon’s eyebrows were the fullest — no one’s arguing that,” said the only political scientist on the panel. “But it was evident that Gallant took the time to have his eyebrows tinted the exact colour of his hair, and to go to Miami Tanning during the day, and to invest in the right shadow and brushes to create that perfect smoky eye. He was the most prepared.”
Gallant later issued a statement assuring voters that he was only wearing tinted moisturizer, and that he in fact “woke up like this.”