Chipman — The RCMP have released the identity of the man arrested in conjunction with Friday’s takedown of a local pot grow-op. Twenty-nine-year-old Ryan Kilpatrick is said to have started and maintained the operation on his own since March, with no connection to the infamous beaver family. Commissioner Harold McRay stated that Kilpatrick had disassociated himself from the notorious group of drug-smuggling rodents several months before.
“We have reason to believe that Kilpatrick had refused to kick back any of his profits to the beaver family, and so he received no help from the disreputable species or their criminal organization,” McRay told reporters in a statement this morning.
Although the RCMP have remained tight-lipped on the source of the tip-off, some have speculated that the call had been made by the beavers themselves. The Manatee spoke with a fellow high-level drug dear, alias “John Castor,” about the role that beavers may have played in the bust.
“Everybody knows that the beavers run the drug trade in this province,” said Castor, pulling a pack of Newports out of his coat pocket. “So, if you want to get in on the action you had better pay your respects — unless you want to get chomped.”
According to the RCMP, Kilpatrick had made the decision to go off on his own, severing all ties to the beaver family. Later, in an attempt to defend himself against the organization’s semi-aquatic lackeys, he had set beaver-traps around the facility. Kilpatrick would neither confirm nor deny these details when he was interviewed on Saturday.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about. I shouldn’t even be speaking to you — this interview is over,” he said, before calling for the guards to take him back to his cell.
The next morning, Kilpatrick was found dead on the floor of his cell, the bars of which appeared to have been chewed apart. The coroner’s report surmised that the victim had been paddled to death by a crazed Olympic rowing team (quite possibly Brazil), but Castor thinks that explanation is “a little too convenient.”
“I’ve been in this business long enough to know that if you fuck with the head of the organization, you better be prepared to deal with the tail,” he said, stamping out his cigarette.