Fredericton — In an event straight out of heathen folklore, the people of New Brunswick have received a spectacular warning that the gods are displeased with the Gallant government. According to a local pagan priest, the Sept. 27/28 super “blood moon” total lunar eclipse is a sign that the provincial government must change course immediately, or suffer the wrath of gods as ancient as the Earth itself.
Sunday’s eclipse was the fourth blood moon in the past 2 years — an event that has only happened a handful of times in the past 500 years. “Since the beginning of time, the gods have communicated their displeasure with the acts of man through amazing natural events,” said local pagan priest Sacerdote Papé. “The gods are sending the leadership of the province a clear message that it must alter its policies, or the province will be punished. If turning a super moon blood-red doesn’t get the message across, I don’t know what will.”
In prehistoric times, mankind has often feared events like Sunday’s blood moon eclipse. The Inca feared that during events like the blood moon, a jaguar was mauling an injured blood-covered moon and the animal would next come to Earth and feed on them. The Mesopotamians also saw lunar eclipses as a bloody assault on the moon by 7 demons. The Hupa believed the moon had 20 wives and a lot of pets and when the moon didn’t bring them enough food to eat, the pets attacked it.
Papé warns that the pagan spirits that watch over the affairs of man have become displeased with recent decisions of the Gallant government. Since being elected in September 2014, the government has made several controversial decisions such as school closures, contracting out hospital services, the fight over DNA sequencing machines and the elimination of smaller courthouses and Service New Brunswick outlets. Only a year into his mandate, Brian Gallant has the second lowest approval rating of all of the country’s premiers.
Perhaps unexpectedly, Papé says the primeval gods are totally OK with seniors paying more for nursing home care. “That’s only common sense and the measures proposed were totally reasonable in their view,” he claimed. “I’ve received holy signs that the gods believe that those who can pay a little more should. When the government backed off on that file, the spirits were completely stunned and more than a little fussed.”
Papé says the gods are no longer concerned with olden tributes such orgies, sacrifices and idol worship. He says the only thing that will appease the gods now is raising the HST. “The gods still don’t understand why they didn’t do it in the last budget. They talked about it for months, everyone was ready for it… then nothing. I mean, what the heck?”
He added, “The gods also accept large wads of cash, whatever you can afford. You can bring those directly to me and I’ll take care of the rest.”