Fredericton — The capital city is in an uproar today as veteran radio host Uncle Rob of the rock station The Fox has announced that he will never, ever, ever again play the perennially popular “Hells Bells” by AC/DC.
“Not on my watch,” confirmed the smooth-voiced DJ. “Do you people think I haven’t had that damn song in my head for more than a decade? I can’t eat, I can’t sleep, I can’t take it anymore. You got me ringin’ hells bells in my head!”
Uncle Rob said he’s tried to play it cool and give the people what they desire, but the scope and variety of music that his listeners want to hear is simply too limited.
“I don’t care if you call in during the Drive @ 5 and beg — I ain’t playing it. Ever again. So forget about it. And while I’m at it, don’t request any more Twisted Sister, Guns N’ Roses, or Lynyrd Skynyrd. One man…one uncle I mean…can only take so much before he snaps. I’ve had to crack open a real eight-pack just to get through my days at the station.
“And for god’s sake,” he ranted, “could everyone stop requesting that terrible cover version of ‘Zombie’ by the Bad Wolves? I know Fredericton’s not exactly a cultured place, but how could you legit like that crap more than the Cranberries’ original? And what is with this city’s enthusiasm for that song ‘Bulletproof’ by Godsmack? Just awful stuff, and yet you people can’t seem to get enough of it.”
Fredericton’s classic rock-loving population is understandably outraged by the “Hells Bells” ban.
“What the hell, man!” cried Kyle Hart of Hanwell. “This is gonna ruin my Drive @ 5, that’s for sure. I call in wantin’ AC/DC every damn day, and I’ve never been turned down yet. I’m gonna have to turn over to that staticy ‘Rock of Saint John’ station if The Fox is serious about this.
“Don’t make me do it, Uncle Rob,” Hart implored.
“It’s supposed to be ‘Fredericton’s best rock,’ but it’s sure not the best if they don’t got Hells Bells, now is it!?!” exclaimed northsider Jakob Green. “Next thing ya know they’ll be refusing to play Ozzie’s ‘Crazy Train.’ But that would just be…well, crazy.”
In response to the deluge of complaints the station has received already today, Uncle Rob quoted a song by the Rolling Stones, another band that The Fox plays at least a dozen times daily.
“You can’t always get what you want,” he said with a shrug.