Canadian Tire money discontinued due to counterfeiting

Quispamsis — Canadian Tire announced today that they will be terminating the distribution and acceptance of their popular Canadian Tire Money loyalty program after police seized hundreds of cases of counterfeit bills in a raid.

Officer Rusty Jamieson of the Kennebecasis Regional Police Force noticed that something was off with the residence when he heard “what sounded like an army of appliances. Snowblowers jousting, motor oil watersides, just insanity,” he said. “Who can afford this?” Police arrested the alleged “coupon kingpin” Arthur Glover of Quispamsis after a thrilling low-speed snowblower chase.

CanadianTireCanadian Tire president and model for the $1 bill Sir Wilfred Canadian somberly announced at a press conference in Toronto that “the dream is over.” He advised that patrons of Canadian Tire spend their remaining bills before the cutoff of April 8 as the company has the legal right to “personally repossess every single remaining bill.”

Police estimate the cost of manufacturing the counterfeit bills was in the range of $20,000 for the full operation. When pressed for comment, Glover lamented that they were only “about 85 years away from turning a profit.” Glover’s staff of 45 have been laid off in the wake of the arrest and investigation.

Sources indicate the amount of Canadian Tire money seized adds up to $15.75.

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