New Brunswick — High prices and poor selection are the two main problems facing the Crown corporation Cannabis NB, which after two full quarters lost $12 million, lagging far behind more robust marijuana sales by the other Atlantic provinces.
“Unfortunately, despite our best efforts we simply cannot compete with Matt in apartment 6b — you know, that guy in the old East Side hat, off-white ECKO hoodie, and whose jeans are falling off his ass — in price or in selection,” said New Brunswick Finance Minister Ernie Steeves. “We’re not sure what he’s doing exactly, but his sales are just through the roof. And we haven’t been able to attract any of his customers to Cannabis NB.”
So, what’s so great about Matt?
“For starters he’s a lot more reliable than other dealers,” said Jeff Brigsby of Fredericton. “You don’t even have to text him a lot of the time. You can just walk over to his place and he’ll turn off the Xbox, and treat you like you’re his only client in the world.
“Half the time he’ll roll one up on the stack of Domino’s boxes he uses as a coffee table and smoke one with ya right then and there, free of charge. The customer service is exceptional.”
Amy-Beth Davidson agrees.
“Some dealers make you go out to some gas station in the middle of nowhere, get you to drive around with them, then give you this shitty product. Or they’ll agree to meet you somewhere and then just never show up. But not Matt — he’s around day or night, and he has everything you could want. Apartment 6b is where it’s at.
“Oh, and if he hasn’t heard from you in a while, he’ll text you from his new burner phone and tell you what specials he has on. He’s a pretty caring guy. Can Cannabis NB do this? I don’t think so.”
Many New Brunswick consumers have expressed unhappiness over the amount of packaging used by Cannabis NB.
“But with Matt, there’s no packaging at all,” added Davidson. “He’s environmentally conscious. There’s no warning labels and instructions and plastic to throw out. He’s very green.”
Premier Blaine Higgs said that unless the province can get Matt on the team at Cannabis NB, the outlook is bleak for the Crown corporation.
“I texted him but he kept replying ‘new phone who dis’ and when I told him I’m the premier and wanted to talk to him about a government job, he stopped answering,” said a perplexed Higgs.