Shocking study reveals nurses, teachers, cops not special

Shocking study reveals nurses, teachers, cops not special

Fredericton — Do you live in New Brunswick, and are a living, breathing human being? If so, you might just have all the qualifications to become a nurse, teacher or police officer!

A new study published by the University of New Brunswick reveals that contrary to popular belief, there is nothing inherently special about people pursuing those careers. Due to lack of staff, hospital overcrowding, generous salaries and high turnaround, nursing programs alone are accepting and churning out new nurses faster than you can say “The doctor will see you now.”

“It’s good for people looking for jobs, because lord knows we need them here,” said Kit Davidson, the researcher in charge of the study at UNB.

“The problem is that we get lots of morons becoming nurses, or cops or teachers, who then think they’re basically on par with doctors and judges and start living like rockstars, handing out unqualified medical or legal advice to family and friends.”

Davidson and fellow researchers had the idea for the study when they realized that most people they encountered in those three professions seemed to be from rural areas in New Brunswick, with such strong country accents that they could barely be understood by patients, students or civilians.

“There’s a misconception that because someone is a nurse or a teacher, they should be treated like the second coming of Christ,” said Joan Miller, one of the research assistants.

“We glamorize these positions. We think that because they’re helping others, it makes these people above everyone else. But at the end of the day it’s just a job and they aren’t always doing a good job at that.”

Miller added that anyone can become a police officer, and as evidenced by the Fredericton police, it doesn’t matter if they are thieves, drunk drivers or domestic abusers, but people will still act like they’re all right all the time and we should do whatever they say without question.

The study also points out that tons of teachers are teaching subjects that they didn’t themselves study, and providing false information and strange ideas to children.

“God forbid I post on Facebook about how teachers get too many ‘development days’ or complain that they get a paid summer off,” said an exasperated Terry Mueller, a parent of three children. “I also get crucified just for pointing out when one of the kids’ teachers is lazy or makes a mistake, because of course they’re all God’s gift to the world.”

Just before press time, the UNB researchers contacted The Manatee to tell us that further study has revealed that half the population of New Brunswick are now nurses, and are also the only thing making it possible to have more than five car dealerships in any city.

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