Saint John — Wage earners from across the province returned to work today after the extended Victoria Day weekend, with many bearing tall tales and exaggerations about how they spent the extra time.
Nowhere was this trend more evident than at Saint John’s ONAN Creative Consultants, a marketing company located uptown.
“Lisa and I did some exploring out by Lepreau,” lied senior financial analyst Scott Ballard. “We hiked a bit, saw the falls…Absolutely beautiful. Too bad my phone died right before we got there, so I don’t have any pictures. Otherwise, I’d show you — it was just gorgeous.”
In truth, Ballard’s iPhone was both fully functional and quite operative, considering he not only used it to access seasons four through six of The Office on Netflix, but also a shocking volume of babysitter-centric pornography.
“Well, I was able to visit some really nice restaurants out on the eastern side of the province,” fibbed Sandra Forbes, the social media manager who also considers herself the resident “foodie.” Although, this weekend, she primarily subsisted on chocolate and Humpty Dumpty-brand cheezies.
Her holiday peaked late Sunday afternoon when she consumed the last bit of a cherry cheese cake and achieved orgasm at the exact moment that Kevin spills his “famous chili” toward the end of season five.
“What about you, Kelly?” CIO Fred Warner asked his administrative assistant, Kelly Ambrose, the woman he cast in the part of “Pam” in his own personal fantasy version of The Office, as well as a recurring role in his masturbatory daydreams.
“Oh, nothing much,” she said, barely looking up from her computer. “Watched some TV, took some ‘me’ time. Nothing as exiting as the stuff you guys got up to.”
Blushing, her co-workers muttered some parting words to one another and sheepishly returned to their cubicles.