Moncton — Youth Impact, a non-profit organization, has been given the go-ahead by Moncton council to establish a group home for at-risk youth in the Magnetic Hill Estates area.
Unfortunately for the small handful of youths aged 18-22, 75 members of the neighbourhood where the home is to be built have signed a petition opposing it.
“It’s called an Magnetic Hill Estates, not Magnetic Hill Slums,” said one ridiculous opponent of the home. “First it’s these kids, and then what? Next thing you know, we’ll be accepting Syrian refugees into our area. It’s a slippery slope, lemme tell ya.”
“They’re not even really youth,” claimed one bubble-dwelling baby boomer who signed the petition while sipping a dry blueberry wine from Magnetic Hill Winery. “My own adult children still live with me, but that’s only because when they’re gone, I’m constantly oppressed by the niggling feeling that my massive home’s walls are closing in on me, and that I’m nearer to death’s cold embrace with every passing day. I just don’t think adding 6 more youths to the neighbourhood will help shield me from that feeling.”
“I just want everything to stay the same,” said Brian McDavid, another insulated Magnetic Hill Estates resident. “I’ve lived here 10 years, and I think I can last another 10 before I snap and move my family to Bermuda on a whim. I just think these kids will somehow get in the way of my long-term plans and goals.”
Mel Kennah, Youth Impact’s executive director, said the facts — that the home will assist only about 6 youths at a time for about one year at a time, and that the home will obviously have absolutely no negative impact on the community — have fallen on deaf and dumb ears of well-off Monctonians.
“They just keep giving weird and obviously made-up reasons why they don’t want to help youths, and why they don’t want to help people in general,” Kennah said, shaking his head in disbelief. “It’s strange to me that these 75 or so opponents are actually somehow justifying this in their own minds. Are they taking crazy pills?
“I would expect this from Quispamsis, but Moncton? Come on guys — you’re only making yourselves look bad.”