St. George — Bang-Bang Farm’s exploding blueberries, a Charlotte County staple, have come under fire after WW2-era mortar shells were discovered by nosy metal-detecting dorks who had snuck onto the field Tuesday night to snoop about.
After some investigation by the department of Agriculture, Aquaculture and Fisheries, it was found that the farm’s founder, Henry Hopkins, had acquired the surplus mortar from the Canadian government after the war, and used the smokeless Poudre B gunpowder within to develop his own unique brand of combustible cyanococcus.
“The issue,” said Minister Rick Doucet, “is that when Mr. Hopkins started the company back in 1946, he claimed that the blueberries exploded purely by biological means, without the assistance of manufactured explosives. Today, that was proven to be false.”
This discovery could prove to be disastrous, and even fatal for the small New Brunswick company. Many formerly loyal customers have been taking to social media, stating that they will no longer purchase the famous local fruit.
“I’ve been buying Bang-Bang Blueberries for over 20 years, but I can assure you that that ends today,” said ex-patron Dennis Fox. He punctuated his point with a sip of his water, seemingly not noticing the liquid pouring out of the giant crater in the side of his face.
J. Junior Hopkins, the the grandson of Henry Hopkins and current owner of Bang-Bang Blueberries, says he feels that the most important thing is the blueberries have been reliably exploding for over 70 years, and that it doesn’t really matter how it is done. He also defended the company’s secrecy, citing the fact that Coca-Cola’s recipe remains shrouded in mystery.
“I sincerely doubt that the ingredients in that piss-water are all-natural,” he said bitterly.
While the secret may be out, the mortar-aided exploding blueberries can still be purchased — at least for the time being — at the Bang-Bang Farm just outside of Charlotte County.