DFO: Second biggest killer of right whales is zombie right whales

DFO: Second biggest killer of right whales is zombie right whales

Gulf of St. Lawrence — The North Atlantic right whale has a newly discovered enemy to contend with according to a report just released by the Department of Fisheries and Oceans.

DFO said today that while blunt force trauma from boat collisions was the leading killer of the almost-extinct species, the unfortunate whales have another previously unknown cause of death. Scientists revealed today that dead right whales — reanimated by a “zombie virus” and hungry for the whale blubber of the living — are the second most common killer of the unlucky mammals.

“These guys can’t catch a break to save their life…literally,” bemoaned DFO scientist Norm Baleine. “First, they are hunted to near extinction for hundreds of years, and then the remaining 458 are being constantly bludgeoned to death by speeding boats.

“And now, we found out that when the whales die, they are coming back from the dead and viciously murdering other whales. They seem to be caught in an endless self-perpetuating downward spiral of death. They must have pissed off a gypsy or something because these animals are cursed.”

Fisheries Minister Dominic Leblanc said that the next steps to save the whales are getting increasingly complicated.

“To kill the zombie whales, we have to chase them at high speed and put a harpoon through their brains,” he said. “As you can imagine, it’s hard to tell a zombie whale from a live whale, and you risk collisions with live whales by travelling at high speed.

“We’ve killed 21 more live whales while trying to chase the zombies,” he admitted. “And, then those 21 ‘turned’ and became flesh-eating zombie whales themselves. We just can’t win here.”

For now, LeBlanc has called in famed “whale whisperer” Dory Nemo, who will boat around the gulf shouting into a bullhorn, “Whhhhhaaaaaaallllles, waaatch ouuuuuut foooooor zommmmmmmbiiiiiiiies!”

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