Energy East pipeline dead, Celtic pipeline flourishing in Saint John

Energy East pipeline dead, Celtic pipeline flourishing in Saint John

Saint John — On Thursday it was announced that TransCanada will not be proceeding with constructing the much-debated Energy East pipeline which would have seen a refinery built and operated in New Brunswick’s Port City. And though the move has discouraged Saint John’s mayor as well as job-seekers across the province, it has done nothing but further encourage the city’s other pipeline, the Celtic 65.

“Oh yeah, the news sucks for a lot of people here,” admitted pipeline leader Henry Cotrell. “But at least the city has another pipeline to fill the void with our sweet piping music — it’s the most beautiful, annoying noise you’ll ever hear in your life.”

The Saint John-based band consists of 65 members including 59 bagpipers, 5 drummers and one of those stupid baton-twirling people who think they’re way cooler than they actually are.

The Manatee found that city residents we less than thrilled with the compromise of having a Celtic pipeline rather than the promised East-West oil pipeline that would have created hundreds of jobs locally.

“I guess we’re just replacing one annoying sound with another annoying sound,” Hilary Mountain explained. “If the pipeline would’ve gone through, we’d be listening to the annoying sound of Saint Johners complaining about having to go to work — but that would still be way better than a bunch of bagpipes.”

Our reporter also spoke with Louis Paulson, a local unemployed man who has now decided to take up bagpiping in hopes of securing some long-term employment with the troupe.

“I’ve just been kinda hanging out and waiting for that pipeline job to come available,” he sighed. “But, now that that’s out the window I figure I should probably do something more than sleep until noon every day, so it seemed logical to try this bagpiping thing.”

Paulson, who is a certified welder, went on to say it’s the first time since the third grade that he’s even touched a bagpipe, but he thinks his progress is coming along really nicely.

“I’m hoping to be ready for bagpiping’s big moment: Remembrance Day,” he said, excitedly showing off his new instrument. “And I think I’m right on track, too. Like, I know I sound awful, but so do those ‘pros.’ The song I’m playing sounds almost identical to that one song they play over and over during those boring ceremonies.”

The Manatee’s reporter didn’t disagree.

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