Atlantic Canada — After years of suspected disdain and troubling behaviour, it was finally confirmed Wednesday that the snowplow driver vehemently hates you.
Not only that, it was also affirmed that the plow operator waits for you to finish removing the snow from the end of your driveway, and then he deliberately fills it right back up because he hates your squishy red guts.
“Why? I can’t really put my finger on it. I just get an ‘asshat’ vibe off of them,” revealed the plow operator who spoke with The Manatee on the condition of anonymity. “I just see them working their little hearts out clearing away the snow, and this irrational anger erupts inside of me.
“I just think to myself, ‘Yeah, eff those people in particular,’ and before I know it I’ve filled the end of their driveway with a couple of feet of snow. It’s almost like I’m on auto-pilot the entire time — operating on pure, white-hot rage and contempt. I can’t explain it.”
The Manatee consulted renowned psychologist Chasse Negsh for some insight into the plow driver’s utter disdain for every breath you take. “It’s like a seething hatred over every bad thing that’s ever happened to the man is immediately triggered by the sight of your stupid face. And again, this is not everyone out there…it’s you in particular for some reason. You bring out the absolute worst in him.”
When the plow operator was asked if he ever felt guilty about making you clean out your driveway all over again, he was unrepentant. “Look, honestly that fat-ass could stand to lose a few pounds…I’m just sayin’. A little extra cardio won’t kill them.”
Then he added quietly, “But I wish it did. Oh man, I wish to God it did. I wish they would just drop dead.”
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I fuckin’ knew it!