Fredericton — Something is up in the City of Stately Elms, and it’s hard not to notice. Whether it’s a transport truck getting stuck under the walking bridge overpass for the millionth time, or a simple fender-bender from merging onto the Westmorland Street Bridge, every day there’s a new disaster.
“Sometimes it’s twice a day,” said Hanwell resident James Herring. “I can just pull out a lawn chair, grab a bag of chips and watch the action right from my front lawn. Or anywhere else in this city. As long as you have nowhere to be in a hurry, you can check out the terrible driving that has our town in a chokehold.”
Fredericton Capital Region Tourism has big plans to cash in on the city’s notoriously bad driving and frequent collisions.
“We have tried with some success to call ourselves the ‘craft brewing capital’ — but it didn’t really stick, seeing as there are other cities with objectively more and better breweries,” said Tourism Manager Tracey Brussels. “But this? This is undeniable. Just try to name a city with worse drivers and more vehicle crashes. You can’t!
“The nice thing is, we don’t even have to plan them — if tourists visit, they are statistically very likely to witness a crash, especially if they cross either bridge,” Brussells went on.
“We’re selling merch such as keychains, coffee mugs, figurines — all the usual stuff — plus we’ll certainly see the dollars add up when people visit our local shops and restaurants to enjoy signature crash-related souvenirs and dishes.”
A Manatee reporter attended a council meeting to find out what City officials had to say.
Rather than investigate the causes of all these crashes, said Fredericton Mayor Steve Hicks, “We’re going to see the silver lining and accept it for what it is. Are they preventable? Maybe. Is it a driver education issue, or a distracted driving one? Is everyone just on drugs? There’s no way of knowing.”
Hicks then handed our reporter a shirt emblazoned with a cartoon crash, and comic sans script reading: “I crashed a car in the capital, and all I got was this lousy T-shirt.”