Fredericton — Obviously taking a page from the United States’s book, the Holt government is aiming to paint the bottom of the Saint John, or Wolastoq River a vibrant “Liberal red.”
New Brunswick Premier Susan Holt told reporters at a press conference downtown on Fredericton’s “bridge to nowhere” this morning that this new plan has “absolutely nothing to do with Donald Trump and his reflecting pool.”
“This is completely my own idea, and the goal is for this beautiful waterway to be even more stunning. If you look at it right now, it’s kind of a murky greyish brown. Once this taxpayer-funded plan is executed, it’ll be bright and simply scream ‘Liberal’ for all to hear!”
Journalists from all local media outlets braved the rain for the conference, and many spoke up against the river-painting plan.
“Ms. Holt, how can your team paint a river bottom? How will the paint even stick?” asked CBC New Brunswick reporter Jack Porier, who was quite defiant at times. “This seems like not only an environmental disaster, but a logistical nightmare.”
“Of course it’s not feasible to drain a river — we know that,” said Holt, ignoring the environmental implications altogether. “So to ensure it gets that perfect ‘Liberal red’ look I’m going for, we’re just going to perpetually dump gallons of red paint into the river.
“Do you like this swatch, or this one?” she asked, fanning out an array of colour samples from Home Hardware.
“It’s actually going to create employment, because someone will have to continually purchase and pour the paint,” she added. “It could be a good job for a SEED student. Is that program still around?”
Holt herself is scheduled to dump the first of the red paint from the Princess Margaret Bridge later today.