Fredericton — All 100 or so New Brunswickers with jobs were overjoyed this morning to find out that a holiday years in the making, Family Day, will become a reality in February of 2018.
Brian Gallant made the announcement outside the provincial legislature, while an assistant held an umbrella over the premier’s head to protect his hair from the drizzle.
“This should demonstrate that the Liberal government is listening to its constituents!” he bellowed. “For several successive governments, Family Day has been proposed and shot down, largely because a paid day off could put undue financial strain on business owners. Well, from now on in February — the most depressing month of the year — you can expect a day off where you can relax, spend time with family, or do whatever.
“Now, because of that financial strain, we’ll have to add Thursday, February 29th to the 2018 calendar, but that’s just going to be a little workday to sort of… finish up tasks left incomplete because of Family Day. And it’ll get business owners off my back, for once.”
The premier paused, appearing to be reflecting upon his own words.
“Ah, screw it. Let’s add a 30th to the calendar, too.”
Several reporters at the press conference pointed out that Feb. 29, or Leap Day, only occurs every four years, and the next Leap Year isn’t until 2020. Many also suggested that a tiny Canadian province can’t simply edit the centuries-old Christian calendar used all over the world.
“Look, did you guys come here to bitch and moan, or to celebrate with me?” asked Gallant. “Goddamn you people — can’t you ever be happy with what you’re given?!”
Many New Brunswickers — mostly the unemployed ones — were skeptical of Gallant’s motives.
“Isn’t it convenient that our first Family Day will happen during an election year?” balked Hilary Urquart of Saint John. “And what about people who don’t have families? Or jobs for that matter?”
“Call me a cynic, but I think this is nothing more than a distraction from the property tax scandal,” said Frank Morrison of Fredericton. “We’ll need a day off just to fill out next year’s assessment appeal forms. They should call it ‘Distraction Day.’ D-Day for short.”
Gallant said he hopes this latest announcement, along with yesterday’s announcement that he’s achieved gender parity on the provincial court by appointing five female judges, will be just the ticket to getting him re-elected and getting New Brunswickers to finally, once and for all, stop whining.
“I will keep making grand, over-the-top announcements until my last day in office,” bragged the premier. “Some call me a dreamer, sure, but I believe that 2018 is going to be my year! Er… our year. Yeah, our year.”